As days go by, I’m becoming more depressed. From the music I listen to, to the things I write, they are all drenched in sadness and uncertainty. I don’t have a hard life and I punish myself for complaining all the time. There are so many others in worst conditions, but yet I’m here, complaining about a fucking relationship I fucking ruined myself. My arrogance has finally gotten the best of me and I still want people to listen. What type of monster lives inside me-inside a mind that so desparately wants to be free? Anyways, I figure I might as well get this all out no matter what it does to me physically, mentally or otherwise. I have so much doubt about my job, my relationships with others and more importantly, my relationship with myself;just doubt with no end in sight.
It has been a few days since we last spoke, not even a week yet and I’m in a mood slowly turning to depression. I know I should be lucky that I hear from her at all, but the anticipation of when I will get to her voice or one day see her face again, is driving me to the brink of losing it. I need to chill, but my heart is antsy and I know I have to continue to be honest with myself and embrace that fact. This waiting game is a torture I never imagined, yet I must and will continue to endure–it is my only option.
I find myself becoming close to so many people, being open and honest with my feelings, yet, I am jealous of them; they have what I so desparately yearn for. They have what my life lacks. I am surrounded by marriages and relationships that they are able to keep together daily. I thoroughly enjoy and revel in their happiness with them, but I would be lying if I didn’t say there is more than a hint of jealousy here. As the nature of envy overtakes me tonight, I miss the early plans of marriage and wanting to have a baby with the love of my life.
I miss a lot of things in my past–my girlfriend, obviously, but moreover what the life I had with her represented. That life for me meant maturity–the idea that I was all grown up creating a life of my own. Since that relationship vanished close to a year ago, everything seemed to go down hill. I lost a sense of self when she walked out on me. I was so wrapped up in her being wrapped up into me, I could care less about anything, which is a good reason she left in the first place.
At times, I miss my anger. A really good friend told me today that I have a lot of “bitch” in me. He’s right. It seems, lately, all I do is whimper, whine and complain to anyone that will listen. I have never been this open about my personal life and that scares me. I wonder what people will think of me. Do they hate my actions as much as I do? Do they judge me as harshly as I judge myself? Better yet, do they critique my mistakes and fault me mercilessly about having a great relationship and ruining it? They probably do because I am doing all these things to myself daily and for the most part, I feel I deserve it. The walking cliche of having something I’ve waited for my entire life for, and then not knowing what to do with that once it was in my possession. Yes I miss being angry a lot. When I was angry, I wasn’t allowed to to feel so shameful. I wasn’t to feel regret or remorse. I was allowed to critique my thoughts and analyze my feelings. I wasn’t allowed to cry. Crying is what I hate most of all–bringing all of my dislikes and pain to the forefront; on display like I’m some freak of nature, to be poke and prodded. It hurts me to know that I’m hurting. It hurts me to know that when I’m hurting, I do stupid things like throw away the best gifts ever. I’m such a fool on so many levels and finally the universe is tired of my antics and is paying me back, thoroughly, enjoying my suffering.
I use this blog as a timeline to guage how often my feelings change throughout the week, sometimes throughout the day.It has become a catharsis medium in which I am able to become an objective viewer of emotions I forgot existed inside of me. This journey, very far from over, as allowed me to reconnect with my inner self; feelings I thought pain dismembered a long time ago, now pain has brought them back.
I have always had a hard time befriending people. I tend to isolate myself out of fear of rejection, prejudice or ultimately, being abandoned. I don’t give myself a lot of credit for being strong even though I know I am. I am trying to learn to trust in people as that is the sole reason my relationships don’t work out–whether friendships or being lovers.
I do not know how to put my total faith in people or decide if they are worthy enough to have that much. In reference to my last girlfriend, I really trusted in what she told me, in the moment, but if doubt set in later down the road, I would let the doubt win without a second thought. I know now that is the underlying basis for all of the wrong actions I did to her. I let my subconcious fear drive me to do things that I never would have if I fully invested, fully trusted her on every single level.
Now I am here again, in the friend zone with a team of people all ready to be in my corner and offer support, yet, I can’t let go; can’t let go of the fact that one day, they may not be there for me when I need them most. The will of a broken spirit, emotionally tortured in childhood by abandonment and lies has created a shield I, seemingly, am not ready to put down just yet. With this in mind, what do I do when I’m feeling like a statue? When I feel like, if I keep this up, I’m going to be totally alone and it will be my fault just like everything else has been in 2012. This is a new year, and it is time for a change!
As I look to move forward in the new year on a positive note, I must regain my footing quickly and get out of my current living situation. I believe I am becoming comfortable here and that isn’t a good thing. I need to move into a place of my own–therefore, I need to create a strict budget and adhere to it. Starting now, I will save all available funds for a move out date of April or May; the sooner the better.