Growing Part 1

Today I stepped outside of myself and bought the love of my life flowers. It wasn’t about the flowers,but about doing something selfless; doing somerhing that is totally beyond myself. I have always loved my nerd, but I have been distracted by my anger, her family, my abandonment issues and everything in between.  For the first time in 4 years, I feel totally vulnerable. The problem is she wants nothing to do with me. 

I feel like I have lost a part of me. I feel like nothing I do is ever good enough. She is always a step and I am left feeling
sorry for myself; dependent on my mistakes, immersed in my sorrows. I am tired now, of excuses. I want to be better for myself, for her ,for us. This is what drives me to continue fighting even when she tells me to give up in her angriest moments. My heart cannot believe it because she loves me. If we can say it genuinely, it is worth preserving and fighting for.

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