Can’t Turn It Off #1

So I go out to this concert–trying to escape the normalcy of feeling down all the time, reveling in the mistakes and worrying about my future–but I couldn’t really focus on much.  I’m sure I wasn’t good company and I kept thinking that I bet she wishes she chose someone else to come along with than me. I’m such a loser these days. Nothing I do seems to work out for anyone, including myself. I know it appears that I’m being way too hard on myself and things will start to look up–eventually.  I just don’t know if I can hold out that long.  Everything I do now seems forced like I am nothing without my ex.  I don’t even recall when I lost myself in her.  So I don’t think I have per se.  I think it’s the heartache I’ve caused that’s driving me up the wall. I would probably feel better if I could forgive myself for the past things I’ve done, not just to the love of my life, but to all the people that have crossed my path at the wrong time.  I have been mean for no reason at all and I just want to fix what I’ve broken so I can move on; move on to where, I’m not sure.  That’s a thought for another time.  I just need to clear my head and get it together.  I know I’m growing into a better person, but I just keep wondering what if and I really don’t need that right now.  The only thing I’m going to get out of it, is a lot of unanswered questions and I have enough of those right now.  Let’s at least, attempt to go to bed now.

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