I have always had a hard time befriending people. I tend to isolate myself out of fear of rejection, prejudice or ultimately, being abandoned. I don’t give myself a lot of credit for being strong even though I know I am. I am trying to learn to trust in people as that is the sole reason my relationships don’t work out–whether friendships or being lovers.
I do not know how to put my total faith in people or decide if they are worthy enough to have that much. In reference to my last girlfriend, I really trusted in what she told me, in the moment, but if doubt set in later down the road, I would let the doubt win without a second thought. I know now that is the underlying basis for all of the wrong actions I did to her. I let my subconcious fear drive me to do things that I never would have if I fully invested, fully trusted her on every single level.
Now I am here again, in the friend zone with a team of people all ready to be in my corner and offer support, yet, I can’t let go; can’t let go of the fact that one day, they may not be there for me when I need them most. The will of a broken spirit, emotionally tortured in childhood by abandonment and lies has created a shield I, seemingly, am not ready to put down just yet. With this in mind, what do I do when I’m feeling like a statue? When I feel like, if I keep this up, I’m going to be totally alone and it will be my fault just like everything else has been in 2012. This is a new year, and it is time for a change!