Putting It Out There, On the Line

I started this blog solely on the notion that I needed to get back to my roots of writing out my feelings in order to deal with them in their most natural element; and thanks to a friend, I found WordPress.com. To date, I have garnered 40+ posts, mostly centered on the topic of losing the love of my life. The reason why that is, is because who I was with her, under the core of everything I made evil, I was my best possible self. She ultimately made me care about living life, got me to move in with her and think about family life–a concept that is so foreign to me. The love that she has for me allowed for her to cry to herself, cry to me and suffer for over 3 years until she couldn’t anymore. The truth is, I know all too well about having had enough in dealing with people. My dad was never really a “dad” and my mom and I have had an up and down relationship ever since I can remember–always too smart for my own good so she could never hide anything from me and everything she did, good or bad, I took as a personal attack on me, my character and everything I associated love with. I’ve never been able to make useful friendships because of the issues I have with being disabled and placed my success on such a pedestal that I became arrogant beyond measure, which allowed me to isolate myself comfortably. I used these relationships to explain who I was, but as I move toward a better me, I look back to my nerd. Even when I didn’t realize it, the changes started with her. I’m so thankful that I met her and that she loved me so much, so hard, that she put her own sanity on the line to make sure one day I would be able to find mine. It is for this reason that I miss her so much and write so much about her–I wish I could heal her now as she has worked to heal me in the past.

When things get hard, I tend to lie my way out–even to myself so much so that I start believing them. I am moving forward to living a full life of honesty, no matter how painful that will be for me. I am going to give 100 percent effort into moving away from the negativity of my past and look to a productive future. This road will be hard I know and lonely, at times, but if I continue to be honest with myself completely, write out what I truly feel no matter what, not caring about judgment or anything else, I will be ok eventually. Even if the word eventually scares me to death, I must be consistent. I’m no longer afraid to be whatever I am and I’m sure I will find out who that is on this journey as well. It’s time to take on things full force so I can see real change and not continually to go backwards without attempting to move forward again. I will no longer allow myself to feel sorry for myself for a full 24 hours because it drains me emotionally to the point where I can’t do anything else, but be sad and that doesn’t work for me. I need to start doing what works for me, solely me and not think about what does and doesn’t work for someone else. This process is about me being the man I know I can be–flaws and all; stumbling is not falling, and falling isn’t falling if I get up quickly. Today is the end of me drowning myself in my own tears. If I have an issue, I will write about it, even if it means I have to do 10 posts a day. I came here to vent, not to gain a fan base off my pain or to see how many likes I could get, this is real feelings placed on the page. However, I do appreciate people in my life now and even though I don’t know each of you personally, I thank you for whatever support you provide me–everyone needs it at certain points in their life. I accept you all as an extension of my journey; cheers to walking with me.

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