I am not depressed. I am not happy. I feel some sadness periodically, but very small. Today at work, I was like a child who had fallen in love for the first time. I couldn’t stop smiling for a time and then it did. As I sit at home, I’m wondering what move to make next, if any. I’m afraid of myself. I’m afraid to be relaxed; to let my guard down and be a different kind of vulnerable. I’ve become accustomed to being miserable as if sadness is my best friend. What if my nerd is going to finally give me what I have been looking for, for over a year. One day she could just say I want you now just as easily as she can smile and say she thought her love for me changed, but it hasn’t and even though she is angry and hurt still, she loves me just as she always have. Not only that, she forgives me for all of my misdeeds; the wicked ways of my anger. She is starting to see my true heart and that is scaring me to the point I want to run, but I can’t move. I don’t want to. I want to stay and love my nerd the way I should have loved her almost 4 yrs. ago. I guess the real fear is not measuring up to my own expectations let alone hers. What is hers anyway. I sure as hell don’t know. I could very well be a cliche right now and be putting the cart before the horse, however, this could be the only way, the chance, opportunity to get her back for real and I just may blow it because I din’t know what to do. Wow, I think things officially got harder because my brain just won’t shut off.