My Brain is Screaming at Me

I am angry, just livid even. I wake up with thoughts of her and it just sends me in a spiral. She tells me on V Day she doesn’t want to sleep with me because all the feelings she has for me overwhelms her, then why in the fuck would she allow me to do other stuff sexual in nature.  Today, I see this is about revenge–she is using me for personal gain and she has been since she left almost a year ago; calling, texting, and seeing me only when she feels like it.  I feel like I’ve been played, screwed over, like I used to do to her, but, the difference is I had a problem that I admitted. I was fucking up not because I wanted to, I didn’t know how to fully let go and be all about her. Something I was very open about BEFORE we got together. She insisted it would work and I put a lot of effort in containing my issues–my hidden demons.  I failed and I take full responsibility for failing, but I don’t deserve these types of mind games. I can’t handle it without my natural anger.  If I had that, I wouldn’t care about what she was capable of and what she had been doing.I’m afraid. I’m afraid of breaking because of all this. I’m just afraid and admitting that her just fuels that fear.

So I wish I could promise that I would never see or talk to her again, but heart tells me she is the love of my life–for now I just have to find away to manage.

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