I Just Don’t Know

The up and down continues.  Yesterday evening, my nerd calls me and just says I need you. I’m im trouble.  I immediately panicked.  Thinking the worst, I rush over to her place, going 80+ on the E way. I get there and of course, the trouble she was in, involved the current guy she’s been messing around with. The range of emotions that varied through my veins at the very second she dropped her news on me was paralyzing.  The hardest thing I did was not get angry.  As the raged brewed, I just telling myself that it wasn’t worth it.  Now considering she is in a pretty bad way, she has been so nice and honest–sharing things that I don’t care to know–how she has been lying to me since October and the level of remorse she has. As I had to understand how Karma works, she’s now understanding–realizing her lies had put her in this current predicament.

Since I was the first person she could call as always, because she knows I will always be there just like during our relationship.  That’s not the point though, the REAL point is that even though I was angry, I also felt special and needed for once.  She wanted me to sleep over so I did and we talked some more and she told me how she appreciated me and continued to be honest about everything.  Today, I’m still in her face and she has been smiling at me ever since and I can’t help getting caught in the what if. What if this is the opportunity to reconnect the way I’ve wanted to? I’m freaking out that I may be playing with fire and over-exposing myself for a let down, but my love for her is seemingly allowing me to do anything she needs me. I don’t think I can stop, because I’ve wanted to for so long. I guess the piercing headache and overall body pain from ongoing anxiety that I have been feeling for the last two days, is well worth it. Sigh, what am I doing to myself?


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