Hatred Killed Guilt

Despite what I put in the title, it’s not exactly true, but I am moving toward a more relaxed state of mind when it comes to my past with my ex.  She told me the other day that she not only may love someone else, but also that she has been intimate with him since October–after she told me that she stopped after she slept with him the first couple of times a few months after we broke up in March.  I have put every ounce of my being into rectifying my life and us for the past year and every time I turn around a corner, I find another lie staring me in the face.  For this reason, I will no longer make excuses for her actions.  Her actions are her own and she has consistently hung me out to dry while setting up my expectations of a relationship with her.  I have remnants of hatred swirling around in my soul when it comes to her, but the love I have for her far outweigh how much I could ever hate her, it seems.  I appreciate her honesty because she could have continued to deceive me.  I appreciate her ability to make it known that she is messing up and I also appreciate the fact that this morning she told me that she is tired of fighting me and she is worth trusting again if I give her the chance.  Obviously, I have proven to myself that my love for her can sustain even through the most hurtful circumstances.  I can be objective and assist no matter how much the anger in me disapprove; I can be here and stand strong.  I just can’t intervene.  If she truly loves me the way she says she does, she will now have to make the effort on her own to show me.  She will now have to take responsibility for her own actions and know that she has spreaded a path of lies and hurt that is beyond some of the things that I have ever done.  If this is clearly about revenge in her eyes, she has repaid me ten-fold and I’m still standing, waiting on the love of my life to change–if ever possible–she will have to do it while I stand on the side, supporting her through a looking glass.  I am no longer able to have a guilty conscience when she has love and lied with someone else.  However, I am able to forgive–for love is all about forgiveness.

2 responses to “Hatred Killed Guilt

  1. Have you two considered therapy? Maybe that will help you overcome the betrayal and the lies. Maybe it will help her realize how much she hurt you. And, maybe it will help you be together… or help you realize this isn’t the right thing for either one of you.

    • We have, very briefly. Due to her work schedule, we could never have a set time and the therapist wasn’t too willing to be flexible so it kind of fell by the wayside. My ex took this as maybe it’s a sign that we should be apart. I was never sure.

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