Coming to Terms

I admit I have a problem.  It’s just have a new type of problem now.  At first, it was depression when I was younger maybe around 11 or 12, but I couldn’t comprehend or put into words how I felt.  Then I became angry–progressively angry as the years went well into my teenage and adult years.  Now I’m on the path of locking this anger away, deep in my conscience for fear of what might become of me and/or others around me should it be released again.  I feel as though no one understands the battle that I have inside of me every single day.  Sometimes I can’t put into words what I’m feeling.  I’m just anxious a lot of the time. At work, I’m able to focus my breathing so I don’t jump outside of me.  I also have a lot of distractions there as well.  However, when I’m home, I have a lot of free time to think and that just opens up a whole lot of issues for me.  It’s usually when I think about my current living situation, my age in conjunction with why I’m not married yet, my life in general and of course, my ex.  All of these things cause me some type of distress–imagine how I feel when I’m plagued by them all at the same time.  When this is the case, I just jump in the car and drive; nowhere in particular, I just drive.  It calms me to remove myself from my current situation enough to gain perspective.  I understand that most people feel some type of anxiousness when they think about these things or something similar, however, I just think I’m lacking the ability to cope and move forward without worry.  I keep telling myself that I can get through it if I take it one minute at a time, some days, like now, I’m just not so sure.

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