The Email (3.2.13)

I woke up really early this morning and I couldn’t sleep.  I had so many thoughts running through my head so I decided to send my ex an email:

I woke up this morning at 7 and all I could do was think about you.  Some bad, some good, but I just don’t know where I keep going wrong with you.  I feel so confused, lost and betrayed–set up to believe something that was never going to happen. I feel like I’m on this slave block standing next to Juan and you’re only focused on mulling over me; seeing if I’m worthy of your time and attention. I cannot describe to you the mental anguish I feel being compared that way.  I feel like nothing I have ever done good,even now matters to you.  I don’t understand the fighting and your inability to comprehend any of the issues I bring up.  You used to at least be understanding to a degree where we could talk things out.  I guess that’s when you cared and loved me more; now that space in your heart is being shared and maybe you just don’t have enough room in your heart to go through the ringer with me when needed.  I have tried several times to part ways with you, thinking that moving on would save my life and get you to be happy again.  Then you show up again, knocking on this door inside my heart, smiling that smile or being in need, and I fall in love with you all over again.  It hurts to do so and it hurts me not to; the more I feel my love being abused, the more I feel parts of me dying inside.  You keep telling me you want us to work, be better, starting last September, but you have all these secrets and lies you just feel so uncomfortable telling me.  When did we become this way?  The ones that love each other, but can’t communicate–you used to talk to me about everything, what’s changed?  Clearly, I prove to you time and again, that I’m a big boy, I can handle it.  Clearly, I am able to move pass it while you continue to be stuck in my past.  This connection seems doom to fail, yet I remain positive because this feeling of love will not allow anything less out of me.  The last thing you said to me face to face was that you wanted me to give you a chance, but I can’t think of any chances that I haven’t given you in the last 5 months that you have reacted on in a positive way.  It is not enough to give me what you think I need, when I’m telling you what I need.  As always, I understand that you are free to do what you want while I feel confined and shackled to you–this confinement I have no problem with, being bonded to you–it is the very reason I asked you to marry me because obviously, I’m living proof that True. Love. Waits.  I’m here until I can’t be anymore.

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