Wondering

I feel like I’m stuck in a time loop–just repeating the same steps over and over again. In my job, life by myself and trying to appeal to my ex’s pre-hatred side of me.  I can’t help wondering why I can’t get it together; why I can’t pull myself out of this funk that I have done numerous times before.  I feel like I’m missing something, but I don’t know what it is.  My heart has never been confused until now.  I have always joked to myself that it is the rationale side of me.  If I’ve ever listened to my heart, it has always told me what to do and I was never steered wrong.  This time, with everything going on in my life, my heart is baffled by the lack of trust I have in it.  How many times I have allowed it to become broken just to get back in good graces with someone else.  With that said, I think my OWN heart is seeking vengeance on me by shutting down.  By not allowing me to utilize it’s true nature to figure out my next move.  I think this battle with myself is becoming more gruesome, grittier and hazardous by the second.  My heart is not intervening in the thoughts that I’m too ashamed to speak aloud, hell too ashamed to even write down, but I know that they’re there, waiting to be unleashed.  I’m just wondering in what context, time or place.

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