I spoke to my grandma earlier and she mentioned me pursuing  a girlfriend.  Asked me how I was treating the ladies so to speak.  Being honest, I told her that I didn’t have anyone worth pursuing because it wouldn’t be fair to that woman since my heart is still with my ex.  She didn’t like that and told me that I need to get over it.  For once, I didn’t get angry, because she isn’t the only one that has told me  this.  I wish it was as easy as people keep telling me it is.  This is not like falling off a horse and attempting to get back on it.  This is like me feeling shattered inside, like into a billion pieces because I’ve had so much anger inside me for so long, I didn’t know how to recognize good when I saw it.  Instead I found greatness and I tainted it with my evilness.  That is a lot for one soul to bear.  It is not just simply me being “dumped” and having a love walk out on me.  It is how it all happened.  It is how I treated this woman, gorgeous inside and out. A woman, who, in my heart, I’ve known since the first kiss that I can’t live without. She has been my world for so long, not because I wanted her to be, but because she was supposed to be.  I accept my mistakes and I try to atone for them every single day just as I have to deal with my anger every single day.  It isn’t easy and some days are harder than others when I think of something bad happening to her and I may never get to see her again; these precious moments that I’m wasting now typing away on this keyboard instead of loving her inside my arms just like when I had her, I was wasting time being miserable inside myself.  No one seems to understand these ongoing struggles.  They just think that it is about a boy and girl breaking up and it is far beyond that.  SO beyond that and I just wish everyone would stop judging and criticizing and telling me to move on from something that doesn’t need to be let go.  Out of every woman I’ve known, all the hurt she has caused me post-breakup, her essence still shines through, glowing vibrantly, every time I’m in her presence.  She is the woman that has changed me; made me feel whole for first time in my life.  THAT can never and should not ever be replaced.  Moving on to someone new will never mean I forget what Veronica truly means to me or what she has done.  I can paint a pretty bad picture of her, but the truth is, is that no matter what she can ever do to me negatively, it will never outweigh the positive impact and the love she has put forth in my heart.  I wish Veronica, my family and the world that knows me could see this post so they will all understand, once and for all, what this pain really is.  It is what I imagine death must feel like.  Losing the greatest thing one can attain in life.


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