Late last night, I called my ex and she didn’t answer–it rang once and went straight to voicemail. Hmmm, about 5 minutes later or so, I decided to call make and it went directly to voicemail. I immediately went into this rageful state where I couldn’t see or hear. The only thing I remember is walking out the door of my apartment and texting her how I knew she was a liar and wouldn’t be there if I needed her. My mind immediately went back to 8 months to a year ago when she would send my calls to voicemail because she didn’t want to talk to me.
I realize how paranoid I am; how much trust doesn’t reside in me anymore. The little faith that I have seems to be barely a drop these days, however, I know something inside me is fighting it because of the ability to walk away completely. In her defense, she texted me back after I texted her about her inability to keep her word and stated that she was out with colleagues, drinking, and it was noisy and wouldn’t be able to hear–her words “it’s not fair to you if I can’t listen to you”. As this could be very true, still my heart wouldn’t let me believe that last night. I was just so hurt and angry and feeling cheated; feeling like no matter how much effort I put in, we would never be friends or lovers or married or anything and all that hope should just be lost.
I coax myself a lot, opting to handle my anger before it truly comes out and that can taken a lot of ways, but it is my current reality; literally, doing whatever it takes to not become full-blown angry. When I left my apartment, I turned my phone off for a few moments just so I wouldn’t have the urge to keep calling and texting. It worked. I also went for a little drive, very slow, for about 30 minutes with the grimiest rap music I could find blaring through my car’s speakers loudly. My plan worked as I was able to divert my attention from my current “crisis” and breathe again. By the time I made it back, and sat for a few moments, I fell asleep, a common occurrence from being on sleeping pills, I missed her call twice around 1:20 AM. For that I appreciate that she would call back eventually, but what about me? What about if I really need something and she’s not there like she keeps wanting me to be believe she is. I keep saying I don’t have expectations, but obviously I do. I just want to be the center of her world and maybe there isn’t a place for me there anymore.