It’s funny how for better or worse applies only to marriage and not long term relationships. However, it should. For I have never thought that I wouldn’t be able to get through something with my nerd. I always thought we would walk hand in hand through any and all adversity. That was not the case. Now I’m lost. It’s amazing how much fortitude a person has to have to give up on someone they love. It is proving to be a very hard thing for me in particularly. I’ve come to the realization that maybe I lack this critical trait. Maybe I’m just not that person. Maybe I’m built to fight and perservere with something like this. Love is a very powerful feeling and maybe I’m just not strong enough to deal with all of its complexities, good or bad and overcome it.
I talked to Veronica this morning and she was very receptive and understanding to my text last night. I told her that I don’t know why I called and that my rage and paranoia caused me to have a blackout spell. She told me that she feels horrible that I’m having such a tough time and that once again she isn’t trying to hurt me and that she is trying to emotionally reconnect with me, but ultimately doesn’t know what her goal is. I just don’t know anymore and haven’t for a long time. I’m hurt, angry, very angry and it all rolled up into one thing and it causing my emotions to go haywire. I am irrational and just out of whack. To be honest, I can’t expect her to know what she wants if I don’t know what I want. My objective is to try and control my emotions just to the point I can understand them and relay them in a positive way to my ex. Who knows–if I can reassure myself and heal, she may see that as positive and be assured as well that there is some hope for us after all.