A Walking Ball of Emotions

When it comes to understanding emotions, I’m at a lost.  All I want to do as a goal is to die happy.  For so many years I was angry and for the last year or so, I’ve been sad.  I’m not sure why happiness alludes me the way it does; it’s probably because I am so desperate to attain it.  I learned today that a co-worker of mine passed away this weekend and strangely I’m sad about it.  I didn’t know him well at all, but he was the first person to greet me every morning at work.  I miss him. His face and how said “hey, how ya doin’ this morning”.  Since I have been sad, Veronica called me for support.  It was very nice until it turned into an us thing just like always.  She feels that I need to be able to get through things and not feel defeated.  I told her that I need to be in a relationship and she disagreed.  She told me how she thinks of me quite often, however, feels as though the pressure of me needing someone is too much for her.  The real thing behind this, I think, is that she is afraid that she will never be enough.  The truth is, she already is and has been, flaws and all.  I can’t help how I love and who I love.  All I can do is choose how and when, if ever, to express.  If death is ever around the corner, I want to be happy, smiling the biggest smile I can.  I think Veronica sees this as intimidating and that she can’t live up to my expectations.  She doesn’t have to because the only thing I expect is to love and be loved in return.  It is all I will ever truly care about.


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