Last night into the wee hours of the morning, battle lines were crossed, tears were shed and both sides have lost. What was a nice dinner and evening with my ex, turned into me coming to terms with what I saw before me: a beautiful, educated woman who I have hurt for so long is in state of emotional crisis. I’m always talking about my pain and how I feel now, erasing the past. The truth is I can’t erase my past mistakes and neither can she. We have ripped each other to shreds emotionally over the last 4 years, intentional or not the effects are showing. Even with the great night, I realized my hatred for her was brewing–as much as I love her, I hate her and I had to be honest and share that with her. By end of the evening, I was left giving my final ultimatum, lets both forgive and forget and create an action plan to coexist and be together some time in the near future or we have to finally cut ties completely –no communication whatsoever between us. Of course I wanted nothing more than to be with my sexy nerd. The woman I have gone through hell and back with. However, she just isn’t there at this time. I see clearly that she needs time, but I also need to start focusing on solely me if she can’t commit. I can’t remember the last time I felt desireable and wanted. Even though I want what I want, it is not an option on the table at the moment and I have been stagnant, waiting for a year for some change in my universe. I see that I’m trying to force a cyclinder block in a square hole, no matter which way I spin this, it’s not going to fit. As I search for freedom and a new start, I wish her and Piper and Kahlo (i miss my babies already, but was definitely nice to see them) all the best with happiness and love. They are all gifts I will never stop loving nor forget.