Worst Day Aftermath #1

As I think about the decision I’ve made, I wonder if it was the right one. She has always been optimistic and believes that one day we will find our way back to each other. For me, that would mean that I would have to continue to wait for her even if I’m not trying to in order for me to believe that. I just can’t. As I watch the tears fall from her eyes, I wanted to retreat. I wanted to say I’m strong enough, but the truth is, I’ve never been this broken emotionally. I’ve never cared enough about a person to allow them this close to me. The catch is–I had to fully open up to feel and understand what I put her through all those years when I was being angry and she will never understand how I truly feel emotionally, until she has put herself in my place now. She doesn’t know how and she has tried. Sometimes trying isn’t enough. I still feel alone and abandoned. She thought that if she let me know that the other guy was completely gone at this point, I would feel better. It actually made me feel worse. At least when he was around, I could understand her hesitation in being with me. I could understand why her mind and heart were conflicted. Now, it is painfully obviously that it is just ME that is keeping her from me. As I work to forgive her wrongdoings over the last year and beyond, she has to do the same and we are opposites in the way we think and handle everything. It was her humility, compassion and optimism that allowed me to fall in love with her in the first place. I understand how hurt can make you bitter and I caused a lot of hurt just as she has to me. Unfortunately, we are at a crossroads where we can’t see eye to eye; we can’t come up with a feasible solution that will allow us to coexist. It is killing her that she’s hurting me and it kills me to know that I’m not her everything; that she just can’t put herself on the line anymore. We love each other differently and it is something that I must live with going forward. As I try to remain strong in my decision, I already miss her more now, then I did before yesterday. Maybe, sometimes, well enough should be left alone.

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