Confused Denial

I’ve been going back and forth with myself about whether or not I need to be on medication–some type of mood stabilizer or anit-anxiety pill. I’m just afraid of medication, because I feel it will be proof that I’ve lost of sense of what I was and what I am. That I’m a struggling pile of useless crap that can’t seem to gel together to formulate a coherent thought that can ultimately bring me happiness. I struggle in secret because I can’t talk about being depressed and what it is doing to me mentally. I am able to hide the physical effects, but mentally I’m left to my own devices and obviously I’m being ripped apart. I realize how great of a liar I’m still able to be and how I’m able to mislead myself at times. The truth is I need help. I NEED HELP, but I’m never going to get it if I can’t get it through my head to admit it when it matters. I keep telling myself that I can deal. That I’m not weak, but strong and I can make it through everything I hate about myself and turn this fake smile into something really worth smiling about, but then again, maybe I can’t. Maybe this is the life I’m meant to lead–complaining to myself on WordPress because I don’t care about being judged or have any remorse about what I currently do to myself. Then again, maybe I do and that’s why I’m hitting these keys with such disdain, I want to bury myself somewhere and disappear. The only thing that seems to bring me joy is my job and I can’t seem to focus there because of the experiences I’m having personally. I’m blowing off people who I usually hang out with or force myself to be social because it is the only thing that takes my mind off my problems, if even for a little while. I feel like I’m ready to give in at this point. So much I have yet to talk about because it is just so much to say, I don’t know where to start. So I talk about Veronica here because, through everything, her being an issue, is the least of my problems and damn that’s saying a lot. I’ve taken my sleeping pills so I guess I will call it a night. Let’s just see how long it will last. My hope is dwindling and I don’t even think I care about that anymore. All I can think about is pain. Just pain.

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