I need to be more mindful of the things that trigger sudden mood changes. I need to find ways not to think about things that bother me i.e. my ex, work, my cats–all the things that contribute to me spacing out. While coming home from work today, I almost had an accident because I spaced out. I totally forgot where I was and I only came to, when I heard the car’s horn blaring right next to me. If I didn’t react so quickly that could have been very bad for me. I know it’s great that I recognize these things, I just wish I wasn’t going through them. I feel like, truly if it is not one thing, it is definitely another sending me down the path of Lost Time. There have been strange periods when I have no clue what’s going on and my memory is shot. I have no concept of things that take place in the short or long-term. I find myself writing more notes at work, just to keep things straight in my head; processes I know backwards and forwards, escape me.
I believe the key is, although will prove very difficult, is to stay away from my triggers. It is how I was able to start controlling my anger. I simply removed myself from the things that enabled me to be angry. For example, I stopped drinking everyday because doing so allowed me to tell myself I was drinking simply to relax my nerves. I convinced myself that I needed to drink in order not to be angry. This wasn’t true. I have only had 4 glasses of wine this year and I haven’t been angry nor have I had a true desire to drink because of frustration, etc. I learned to cope. I just need to figure out how to cope with my current problem. The issue is much different from me being angry. See I knew I was angry and I was able to admit to myself and that was half the battle. I’m losing this war because I just don’t know what I’m combating. I just know that something is there, taunting me that I can’t see and it is torturing me physically and mentally. Until I figure out what IT is, I need to stay away from things that stress me out, make me think deep thoughts and things that make me think about love and my future. These are all things that stand out in my mind as having that mind-altering effect on me that is causing me to space out. I just need to treat it like I did my anger and control it by creating a body for it. That way I can fight it head on and win. I just need to be able to see IT for what it is and not multiple things at once.