I think, like most people, I confuse the definitions of want and need quite often. I constantly think I need people and vice versa. For instance, I spent a considerable amount of time on a dating website telling myself I need a girlfriend, to start dating and hopefully, fall in love with someone that I won’t run away. The honest truth is I don’t need that. I want that and I really need to start making those distinctions for my sanity’s sake. I was really getting stressed out until I realized that I didn’t need to create a profile, I just really, really wanted to. I do, however, need love and affection from those closest to me. I will take more initiative in just hanging out around the city and enjoy my friends, I need them. I also need to appreciate my mom more because she has never been more supportive than she has been in the last few months. These are things, for now, that I need. I also need my ex and my babies in my life, but I am aware I can’t have it all. Here’s hoping tomorrow doesn’t bring me anything too negative I can’t handle.
A Cutter’s Painting
Knife scratches skin melodically
Carving hope back into his body
with every stroke
engorged with red paint
I don’t know why it is really important for me to make those I love and care about understand my feelings, the things I’m going through, etc., but it is. VERY IMPORTANT. Just the right amount of torture for me to lose sleep over. I can’t help the pain I caused so many people, but I can try to rectify and repair and that is what I have been trying to do. When I’m not focused on my ex, I’m focused on me and some of the recent connections I’ve made that I’ve let fall to the wayside. I’m trying to rebuild everything in my life and I realize how hard it has been to open new chapters when others preceding those, haven’t been ended yet. I need to close one book before I start a new one because I have the attention span of a five year old and I loose track. I’m hoping once I start researching these various medications that I will be provided with come Thursday, I will be able to gain some clarity inside my head. Right now, I feel as though I’m being pulled in every direction possible and I’m the one doing it. Sometimes, I just run out of my apartment, jump into my car and scream. Once that’s done, the tears just start flowing. I never thought I would be in this predicament–dealing with things I can’t explain for there are no words to describe them or actions to conceivably act them out. I feel like a scared little boy cowering under the covers once the lights go out. I just may be afraid of monster(s), but the monster is inside of me.
I woke up today filled with varied emotions centered around a conversation I had with my ex last night. She has been reading my blog, which I just recently learned, and is thoroughly unimpressed with my portrayal of her. It seems she has honed in on the negative aspects of what I write about instead of seeing the bigger picture. I admit that most of my conversations via this blog are negativity-laced, but that is why I started writing in the first place. Simply, to get the negative thoughts out and on paper so I can better understand and/or equip myself with tools necessary to combat the evil that is in my head. I told her that if she didn’t like what I was writing, she didn’t have to read it. We got into a huge fight about few things I’m not equipped to readily discuss right now, but feelings were hurt. I can’t understand how loving someone can be a negative thing and that is all I seem to feel when comes to her. This is a woman I wanted to marry and have children with, now in her mind, I am the Plague or something. I just don’t understand how we can keep going from bad to worse to WORSE. I do not seek out to say hurtful things as I have forgiven and seek forgiveness on both our parts. The Universe is cruel enough on its own without needing ammunition and I just hope she knows, deep down, my love is true and that will ALWAYS make me territorial and at times, overbearing. Karma is its own demon that will stop at nothing to wreck a life when you’re on the verge of happiness. I know this all too well. I just hope one day she takes heed, knowing that she is too good of a person to have so much disdain. Karma doesn’t descriminate, it just loves to feed on negativity.
I’m at the breaking point of people telling me how they think I should feel about everything that is going on in my life. Even if I ask your opinion, it is just that, an opinion. I take it as seriously as I possible can at the moment. For those of you who read my blog, and know my personally, please do not take offense to things I say. Nor you should be offended that I’m in this current mental state and I do or don’t acknowledge as a primary source or solution to my problems. As I get more and more sensitive, I see the struggles within myself and the strain it is causing others in my life. For that I am sorry, however, this journey is mine and mine alone. Feel free to walk alongside of me, however, don’t try to out run me. When I started this blog, I was seeking control of my own life. Now, I feel I’m close to achieving this goal. Also note, that this blog, although open for anyone to view, is about me focusing and isolating negativity in my life. In no way, shape or form, am I to be listed AS JUST THIS; what is written in my blog is what I choose to focus on because the help I am receiving requires me to maintaining positive energy and analyze everything else, so I know where I stem form. I appreciate all of the kind words, but please let me be unless otherwise noted.
So I have been thinking a lot (over-thinking really) about the poem that Veronica decided to send me on Tuesday. Of course I want to hear from her, I just prefer, no need, some consistency from her. That means if she is going to reach out to me, it can’t be once a month. It not only confuses me, but also sets me back. When I feel like I am finally able to deal with the loss of her, she comes back. I want her to stay so badly, but then I will reach out to her and then nothing–no response at all and I am left feeling empty and abandoned. At any rate, the real reason for this post was to share the response to the poem she wrote me:
lingered thoughts of yesterday’s mistakes form callouses
around hearts hungry
A passion’s hatred bares
consent to strangers thinking
only of lust
carnal instinct captures
snippets of tomorrow’s memories trained for one
bored curiosity lead
hands into uncharted pastures searching subjects deemed
traces of a past life linger
stalls escape from this puppet master cloaked
diamonds carve out a life
I once dreamed shattered
by a wrath I cannot tame
This kid just put a smile on my face. The beauty of music at its best! Something I needed, when nothing else seemed to work.