Protect My Heart?

When I got up this morning, I could literally feel the anxiety in my chest and going down my back. Today will be hard. Today will be difficult, but I will make it through just as I have my entire life. A friend of mine told me to protect my heart and my response: There’s “nothing to protect when no one wants it”. It is how I really feel, but it’s honest in only that I don’t want anyone to want it. The only person I want and need is Veronica. It doesn’t really matter how she feels about it because it is beyond her. I can’t protect my heart against something I can’t fight–the essence of her just brings me to my knees and cowardly bow to her will. This post really isn’t about her though, but about my cats. Since it is Piper and Kahlo’s birthday today, that is the main focal point of sadness. As if they were human, I would enjoy getting up and getting their food together and on a day like today, with enthusiasm, I would wish them both a Happy Birthday, complete with picking them up and kissing them on their noses. As much as they depended on my care of them, I depended on them to return it in their own cat-like way and they always found a way. They understood. I would lay down and tell Kahlo to give daddy kisses and she would come, of course in her own pace, to lick my face and provide her version of a purr. It was pure and relaxed me–my anxiety and that is something I don’t think I have ever really thought about until just now. I have always had a fascination for wild cats, especially lions, but my babies provided me with 1) the best birthday present ever–THEMSELVES and 2) reciprocated love and there is no greater feeling to me than receiving love. I am happy that the money I sent to my nerd will be put to good use. She was excited and told me via text that she would use the money to buy them a laser light stand. They are going to definitely love it and even though I won’t be around to see their joy in it, I did what I could in the moment for them. Having hope for something is a struggle within itself because even when you tell herself not to, the mere mention of the word brings it to the forefront of your brain and it lingers. With that said, I can honestly say I had some hope that Veronica was going to invite me over to celebrate the day, but I have so much fear there. There is so much anxiety when I think of what is and what isn’t and it is a pattern that I am finding it very difficult to break. See, I can’t even protect my heart from myself.

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