I was pretty much feeling negative all yesterday. Fortunately, I was able to muster a smile and pretend that I didn’t care that I wasn’t going to see my babies on their birthday. I told a couple of co-workers and they felt bad for me, I guess, but I’m not the sympathetic type. I don’t tell people things for them to feel sorry for me. I tell them so they leave me alone. I really just want to be left to my own devices wallowing in my self-pity. I am so tired of being the victim, even though I’m really not, my mind is telling me I am. i know that for the most part, I’m the reason my current relationship status is this way–I can’t have what I want, so I refuse to move on. I know it’s me, but I wish or hope or both if they aren’t one in the same, that there is a light for me at the end of this dark tunnel somewhere. Hope is overrated to tell the truth. Magic/miracles only happen to those that, at least, know how to obtain what they want. They just might need an extra push. I don’t know how to move forward or hell, even backward for that matter. I’m just here thinking about my cats and how I never imagined I would be this upset about a cat’s birthday. Well, they aren’t just any old cats. They are MY cats. Birthday presents to me. Love that was bestowed upon me that Veronica and I both shared. Now it’s just her. Taking care of them and smiling and laughing at them while I sit in these fucking bleachers and I can’t see shit. I really hate my life and the way it has turned out. I just don’t know how to move anymore. I fake my happiness at work because I’m not really sure how many more disgruntled chances I’m going to get. I smile at home so my mom will know that I’m ok and I smile at my friends so they won’t worry so much. Quite frankly, it is draining to talk about my emotions. I feel so dead inside and I keep waiting for something that may never come. I want Veronica back because she is my soulmate–I just feel that everyday no matter what she or anyone else tells me–and I want Piper and Kahlo back–they are rightfully mine and I have missed so much with them. Life just isn’t fair in no respect. As I plead to the universe to give me something, I just may have many more years of just blowing smoke and air and then I’m dead trying.