Day After the Rain

I was pretty much feeling negative all yesterday.  Fortunately, I was able to muster a smile and pretend that I didn’t care that I wasn’t going to see my babies on their birthday.  I told a couple of co-workers and they felt bad for me, I guess, but I’m not the sympathetic type.  I don’t tell people things for them to feel sorry for me. I tell them so they leave me alone.  I really just want to be left to my own devices wallowing in my self-pity.  I am so tired of being the victim, even though I’m really not, my mind is telling me I am.  i know that for the most part, I’m the reason my current relationship status is this way–I can’t have what I want, so I refuse to move on.  I know it’s me, but I wish or hope or both if they aren’t one in the same, that there is a light for me at the end of this dark tunnel somewhere.  Hope is overrated to tell the truth.  Magic/miracles only happen to those that, at least, know how to obtain what they want.  They just might need an extra push.  I don’t know how to move forward or hell, even backward for that matter.  I’m just here thinking about my cats and how I never imagined I would be this upset about a cat’s birthday.  Well, they aren’t just any old cats.  They are MY cats.  Birthday presents to me.  Love that was bestowed upon me that Veronica and I both shared.  Now it’s just her. Taking care of them and smiling and laughing at them while I sit in these fucking bleachers and I can’t see shit.  I really hate my life and the way it has turned out. I just don’t know how to move anymore.  I fake my happiness at work because I’m not really sure how many more disgruntled chances I’m going to get.  I smile at home so my mom will know that I’m ok and I smile at my friends so they won’t worry so much.  Quite frankly, it is draining to talk about my emotions.  I feel so dead inside and I keep waiting for something that may never come.  I want Veronica back because she is my soulmate–I just feel that everyday no matter what she or anyone else tells me–and I want Piper and Kahlo back–they are rightfully mine and I have missed so much with them. Life just isn’t fair in no respect.  As I plead to the universe to give me something, I just may have many more years of just blowing smoke and air and then I’m dead trying.

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