Afraid of Being Afraid

I don’t know why it is really important for me to make those I love and care about understand my feelings, the things I’m going through, etc., but it is. VERY IMPORTANT. Just the right amount of torture for me to lose sleep over. I can’t help the pain I caused so many people, but I can try to rectify and repair and that is what I have been trying to do. When I’m not focused on my ex, I’m focused on me and some of the recent connections I’ve made that I’ve let fall to the wayside. I’m trying to rebuild everything in my life and I realize how hard it has been to open new chapters when others preceding those, haven’t been ended yet. I need to close one book before I start a new one because I have the attention span of a five year old and I loose track. I’m hoping once I start researching these various medications that I will be provided with come Thursday, I will be able to gain some clarity inside my head. Right now, I feel as though I’m being pulled in every direction possible and I’m the one doing it. Sometimes, I just run out of my apartment, jump into my car and scream. Once that’s done, the tears just start flowing. I never thought I would be in this predicament–dealing with things I can’t explain for there are no words to describe them or actions to conceivably act them out. I feel like a scared little boy cowering under the covers once the lights go out. I just may be afraid of monster(s), but the monster is inside of me.

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