Mind Over Everything Else That Matters

Contrary to the title, in most instances in my life, it’s the opposite.  Everything else simply matters over what I truly think and feel.  In part, it’s due to the fact that I can’t trust anyone fully and my instincts are out of whack lately  (in all accounts, is my most reliable tool).  I have recently been bred a parting gift that I really don’t want, however, feel I deserve.  One thing being in therapy as done to my mental state, is open it up.  I see things now that I buried 10-15 years ago.  Long forgotten, tucked away under the bed.  Well, no room is too dark; no closet is too deep for my therapist to venture and he has unknowingly tapped into a buried chest filled with skeletons, I’d otherwise wish was laid to rest.  I understand why I have created mental blocks around things I dare not speak about because of the shame, judgment, I don’t know really.  I just can’t formulate words about a lot of things I have inside me.  It has caused me to disrupt friendships and of course, intimate relationships.  I have been plagued with paranoia, black outs and strange feeling of being caught in a twilight time warp of some kind all in the course of the day.  One thing I am thankful for is that I am not hallucinating.  I don’t think I can bear much of anything else.  My mom told me I crawled into bed with her last night, something I don’t remember.  She also said I texted a bit–something I also don’t remember.  Just like I didn’t recall two friends texting me this morning.  I’m trying to keep to myself, but I can tell that the people closest to me are getting worried.  I am not worried anymore.  I was at the beginning of the week.  However, I am starting to accept and make peace with the karma that I’m dealing with and the waves of adversaries that I am facing on  a daily basis.  That is my best take of what I have been experiencing for months. I try to stay away from death because I completely shut down now without understanding.  I could never handle death very well, but last week was a monster of a different kind.  A lot of the feelings that I have been experiencing are totally new.  Aside from seeing a therapist, I have been going to the doctor a lot and just dealing.  I decided to share a secret with my ex today that no one else knows.  I’m pretty sure I can’t muster up enough courage to tell/explain it to anyone other than her.  I know she is worried.  I heard it in her I love you, but I want her to move on.  I want her to be the girlfriend and eventually wife that I know she can be.  The most hurtful thing for me to overcome, besides not seeing my cats again, is for her to have children with someone else, but that has to be eminent.  She most forgive and forget as I have continued to do on a daily basis as I battle demons I thought I defeated years ago, I will no longer allow vengeance into my heart.  My soul has to be laid bare for what is to come, is a journey that I cannot prepare for, but must face alone.  To all those that love me, and those that don’t, in my heart, I may have something for you–outstretched, reaching for solace in my darkest of days.

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