Confusion For What?

I’m so confused right now.  I have no reason to be. I know that.  It’s like I want to be stressed out. I want to be miserable or something.  In less than 2 hours it will officially be my ex’s birthday and I won’t be celebrating it with her. I feel so weird. She called me up at the last minute earlier saying we could hang out, but I was so tired from my meds, I couldn’t even comprehend half of what I was saying.  Then I thought–maybe I was a last resort.  I asked her a few days ago if she wanted to do something and she said she couldn’t because she was moving.  Maybe my mind is getting the best of me. She loves me  so she wouldn’t do that to me–make me her LAST option.  I just don’t know why I care when I know she has moved on without me.  I am not a fixture in her life. She doesn’t NEED me.  I know this.  It’s been proven time and time again, yet, I keep getting hung up on the past.  The fact that I wanted to marry this girl and actually proposed.  The fact that I wanted and planned to have a child with her and not even a year later, I’m here in this rut.  How can the universe be this cruel?  Why should I have to bare the burden when she doesn’t?  She gets to do what she wants without a care in the world and I’m stuck wondering, worrying what if.  I hate what my life has become. I hate feeling like this.  I want it all to just go away, but I know in real life it won’t. She will forever be a part of my existence–based on the impact she has had on my life.  That alone may always cause me grief because I can’t be with her.  Anyways, if she happens to read this,  Happy Birthday Sexy Nerd!! Love you Always.

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