It’s been a while since I actually created a post that wasn’t a poem. Poetry has seem to become my outlet again. I guess that’s good. The only thing is, is it doesn’t make me feel better about my situation(s) like before. When I was in college and I used to write, no matter the topic or problem, putting it down on paper seemingly made everything disappear and I felt free from despair, happiness, love, life–everything. Now it’s regurgitating feelings. They just stay or go and reappear seconds to minutes later as if nothing has occurred.
I’ve been thinking about leaving my city, my state I’m currently living in. Just packing up and moving, but to where I do not know. I just feel like no one gets me here. I have great friends for what I use them for, but I am not happy. The truth is that I haven’t been for so long, I no longer know what it feels like to be happy. THAT just makes me sadder and more uncomfortable with life. I just feel like I’m in this box that is closing in on me, no matter where I go or turn, I’m losing air. The meds I’m on do help me cope, but that’s just it. I still have this non-solace feeling of disapproval within myself. I don’t know how to find what I’ve lost or even if I’ve lost anything at all. I don’t know if it is all in my head or actually something tangible I need to obtain. Tonight, I am just lost in the thought of being lost.