Releasing

Releasing

please remove your junk
from inside the walls
of this harbored nest
you used to settle in

laden in the night sky
blanketed by the dusk’s air
I keep you relevant
every time fingers pound
keys in frustration

my soul hopes to drop
a piece of you
in the gutter where you’ve placed
my heart without its cover
for protection
muddied from footprints
and little girls pretending
to be women over 25
lost in the shuffle I scream
for your assistance

you have become deaf
to the electric current that used
alert you of my dying need
so I lay strapped
with a pint of gin
cigar in hand
hoping one day
to stand erect
smiling true
within a life without you

Journal Entry #7

I’ve never known a love that I couldn’t have. How painful it is.  I’ve met a lot of fascinating people that for the most part, have filled a lot void in my life, but it is missing. As I run the gauntlet of women, my fears start emerging. My ex and I on really bad terms due to her treatment or lack thereof with family (thought I got over those racists bastards, I guess not). It has really hindered my ability to look outside of my race again for love. I don’t think I have enough me to endure that kind of negativity.  I just feel less of a person right now; so much judgment on things I can’t control.  I mean would I not be black if I could?  That’s a loaded question–and I never felt like that until Veronica’s family entered my life and what’s worse is a big part of me cares about their well being.  I definitely don’t want them to die, just understand their contribution to ruining my life.  On a side note, if I could magically lose my disability, that would be a no brainer–relieve me of these curses so I wouldn’t have to work so hard to show people who I really am.  I can be awesome and loving. All you have to do is pull my string and try me!

Laid Off

Laid Off

stuck in the passion
of your primal rage
irises darkening with every stroke
a moan in sync with my rhythm toes curled, back arched

like conjoined twins we shared something bigger than the act
that anyone with the capacity could perform

our web was much more intricate valued for craftsmanship
the artists put the time in
5 minutes are for rookies
going for the gold
I was more interested in pleasing your soul

envisioning, kissing and licking every crevice on your body
till your spasms begged
with me to stop

yea everything about you deserved love too

now I wonder
if it could have all been for show part of your puppetry yanking
on my heart strings

contemplating
how another could duplicate
what we’ve pressed and mastered yet you try
thrown by the wayside
is everything we worked for

building blocks
for someone else to take over

it seems the years put in
don’t mean a thing when a queen
makes her final ruling

the pleading stops
my eyes swell
but a tear you will never see drop

that’s reserved for my true love

whose kisses
would never leave me thirsty

Apologetic Mindset

So yesterday I got one of the calls that I have been anticipating for a very long time now–the one where my ex would tell me that I have officially been replaced.  It was actually very timely, since I hung out with friends this weekend and she and our relationship was a topic of discussion for a considerable amount of time.   So I have this saying, don’t ask questions you don’t want to know the answer to.  Of course, not following that, I probe and find out that the guy she is seeing is someone that I have some familiarity with–here we go again as the circle that her and I have built just keeps getting smaller and smaller.  She, of course, forgot that I was ever in his presence and that she talked about him enough for me to remember his name and most of his attributes.  I was with this girl, who I called the love of my life–my soul mate–for a number of years so I got really involved in her life, including the friends and such that were before me.  Once I got over this, which, in all honesty took maybe two minutes or less, I told her that it wasn’t necessary for her to call and tell me such things since she can’t even call me on my birthday (she had an excuse for that, albeit, not a very good one, but I told her she doesn’t owe me anything) or call to tell me how my cats are doing.  At this point, Piper and Kahlo are what I cherish most in this unforeseen downward spiral of my life in the last year and a half.  I miss them everyday and she gets to gloat and have the life that I started, with another man. Um ok.  So I guess one day, she will be having the kid that we planned to have and she will accept someone to put their ring on her finger even though she never said No to my loving and genuine gesture. I just got “oh this isn’t the ring that I really wanted, but it’s nice and oh, this isn’t a good time. Right, it wasn’t a good time–I totally take the blame for even going that route. My heart told me she would say NO even though she didn’t. Good thing for me–with therapy and a lot of time to think, I really don’t dwell too much on what was life like with her. That’s the past I can’t change, even if I wanted to.

 

Unfortunately, I did have to apologize to her a couple of times, for what I felt was stepping out of turn.  I asked if her mother and father liked him and she replied with that they haven’t met him yet, but she really didn’t care if they did or didn’t.  Of course, my reply was filled with some rage and hurt and I stated that I wished she had that mindset with me then maybe I wouldn’t have felt the way I did and wouldn’t have been the subject of so much racism.  Totally inappropriate in my book and so I apologized.  She then asked me if I was dating and I told her that I have been out with a few women here and there, even close to really dating outside of my race again, but I got scared when I thought of how much her family hated me because I was black; this new girl’s family could just like that or worse so I bolted before it started. She proceeded to tell me that I shouldn’t have that fear, but that fell on deaf ears.  I’m pretty sure I’m ruined on that front.  That will always be in my mind.  I can’t be in a relationship with a person whose family doesn’t accept simply because I’m black.  That is the most ridiculous thing EVER!

 

I then told her that there is someone that could be very special and she treats me really nice, but that’s as much as I stated.  I have realized that my connection to Veronica is one of a substance that I cherish, but don’t necessarily need in my visibility range.  We have hurt each other so much and I just don’t know how to get pass the hate/pain that’s in her eyes when I see her and what she has done to me since breaking up with me.  She says it’s not intentional.  I say the way things play out tell another story. 

 

At the end of the day, she is with someone so I don’t have to worry about her safety anymore, and what has been 90% of my focus over the last 8-12 months can turn to 100% and that is all centered around the cats that were taken away from me.  I love my babies, Piper and Kahlo, and no amount of distraction from anyone, will change that fact—whether I ever see them again or not.

Journal Entry #6

I expected to be over this, but apparently, I’m not.  A couple of days ago, I got into a cab, cane in hand and positioned myself in the seat accordingly. The cabbie proceeds to make small talk, however, in the most inappropriate way. He asks me if I was veteran from the war (due to the I guess). I told him that a strained a muscle in hopes that the Conversation would ne over, but considering the way my life has been this year, I should have known better.

The cab driver begins to emphasize my can informed me that I should be glad that its temporary and not a permanent disability.  I’m floored at this point and I hear my therapist’s voice telling me to breathe.  I was there seconds from busting this man’s head with cane.

I know he didn’t mean any harm, but how offensive can one person be; how ignorant do you have to be to say something like that.  My blood was boiling then and it is boiling now.

Journal Entry #5 Cont.

I think that being in this body has shaped the way I love others as well. For the longest time, I didn’t expect to be loved, although, a lot of people find me a attractive, I didn’t and a lot of times, I still don’t. It is very hard to fully love someone if you don’t love yourself first. It’s part of the reason my last relationship failed. I loved Veronica to the end of the Earth, and I should say love because that will never change. However, as much work as I was putting into loving her in a physical sense, mentally I wasn’t there. I wasn’t able to deal with the outside distractions that come with being a relationship–the family interference, the what-ifs of us both having something wrong with us and whether or not she truly accepted me as a man, her man and being a potential father to her child. I couldn’t believe a lot of the things she told me because of me; only me and how I felt about me, placed me in a space of paranoia. Therefore, everything negative in our relationship got heightened and eventually, she couldn’t take it. I couldn’t take it and a year and a half later, she avoids me like the plague, it seems. I think I really knew it was JUST OVER on my birthday. She sent me an IM like I was a nobody–like “happy birthday” and that was it. Honestly, it bothered me for half a second and then I was like, I’ve moved on. Veronica makes me that guy that was a year ago. I know that. That guy that has rage fits, panic attacks and can’t relate to people. The people that I’m around now, see me for the guy that I am today. I am reformed–reinvented into a greater individual that is ready to take on the challenge of someone new that I can begin again with. I don’t fault Veronica for leaving, although, my heart sometimes wishes she stayed; that I would truly know she loves me as she claims had she stayed and helped me. Then there’s the other part that says this had to happen for me to wake up and get it together. I was not the guy I dreamed of becoming. I wasn’t that perfection that I claimed to be. Sometimes in order to change, one must endure the hardest struggle and it rock bottom. I never thought I would propose to a woman; love a woman enough to push myself to that step. I always thought a woman would beat me to it. I love Veronica because she is incredibly strong, with all her flaws, the true essence of what I can admire in a human being. With my therapy and self-appreciation, I have turned over a new lease on life and although Veronica didn’t take me back, I’m free now. From myself. I am not afraid of love and if I can find someone that will go to bat for me, stand up for me through anything, I know I will fall in love with her and do whatever I can to make it work. My 28 year old heart is just as big as the day I found it when I was 13 and I made that promise to myself that I would not be the statistic I thought I was (being disabled, lonely and scared of the world) and get married to a nice woman who sees me for me, not my disability. If I could get lucky enough to have a healthy child, that would be even better. The world can be a playground, but I only have room for one in my sandbox. I’m ready to go at it again. Hopefully, the next time, will be the last time.

Journal Entry #5

A lot has been happening to and around me that has allowed me to keep getting/receiving different perspectives on how my life should. I’m human so I won’t deny that I make mistakes, but without sounding like an arrogant prick, I seem to better than most. I mean I walk different than the general population, but as a positive, that has allowed me gain empathy, compassion and a cache of other qualities others seem to lack. Just last week, a lower level employee (by no means would it be appropriate for someone in a senior position to approach me in this manner as well) asked me why I walk the way I do.  It took most of had in me to not tell how she disgusted me based on her overall rudeness, let alone in an office setting.  On a personal level, I was blown away that someone would have the audacity to ask that at all, but especially in a work setting–just a huge Human Resources issue.

I think, because of my impairment, I have a value of life more, in that I appreciate the smallest things. Someone else’s ability to smile genuinely makes me happy. A moment or two without pain is worth a toast.  Such things as getting out of bed without a muscle spasm, but I see folks running, skipping and jumping, yet they want to take up the use of an elevator or seat on a bus.  Even in my state, I typically offer my seat to someone I feel will have a harder time standing than myself.  Yesterday, with my cane in hand, this guy just sat there looking at me.  Due to the fact that my being in therapy for close to a year has made me a docile puppy dog, I tend to avoid conflict now. Otherwise, I would have told him to get the fuck out of the way. A lady offered me her seat, but I politely refused since I wasn’t in agony.  Besides I’m still a man and I kind of have that women and children first thing embedded in me–unless they’re a bitch to me then that goes out the window.

Ok, have to get off this train.  I will finish getting this all out later.