Apologetic Mindset

So yesterday I got one of the calls that I have been anticipating for a very long time now–the one where my ex would tell me that I have officially been replaced.  It was actually very timely, since I hung out with friends this weekend and she and our relationship was a topic of discussion for a considerable amount of time.   So I have this saying, don’t ask questions you don’t want to know the answer to.  Of course, not following that, I probe and find out that the guy she is seeing is someone that I have some familiarity with–here we go again as the circle that her and I have built just keeps getting smaller and smaller.  She, of course, forgot that I was ever in his presence and that she talked about him enough for me to remember his name and most of his attributes.  I was with this girl, who I called the love of my life–my soul mate–for a number of years so I got really involved in her life, including the friends and such that were before me.  Once I got over this, which, in all honesty took maybe two minutes or less, I told her that it wasn’t necessary for her to call and tell me such things since she can’t even call me on my birthday (she had an excuse for that, albeit, not a very good one, but I told her she doesn’t owe me anything) or call to tell me how my cats are doing.  At this point, Piper and Kahlo are what I cherish most in this unforeseen downward spiral of my life in the last year and a half.  I miss them everyday and she gets to gloat and have the life that I started, with another man. Um ok.  So I guess one day, she will be having the kid that we planned to have and she will accept someone to put their ring on her finger even though she never said No to my loving and genuine gesture. I just got “oh this isn’t the ring that I really wanted, but it’s nice and oh, this isn’t a good time. Right, it wasn’t a good time–I totally take the blame for even going that route. My heart told me she would say NO even though she didn’t. Good thing for me–with therapy and a lot of time to think, I really don’t dwell too much on what was life like with her. That’s the past I can’t change, even if I wanted to.

 

Unfortunately, I did have to apologize to her a couple of times, for what I felt was stepping out of turn.  I asked if her mother and father liked him and she replied with that they haven’t met him yet, but she really didn’t care if they did or didn’t.  Of course, my reply was filled with some rage and hurt and I stated that I wished she had that mindset with me then maybe I wouldn’t have felt the way I did and wouldn’t have been the subject of so much racism.  Totally inappropriate in my book and so I apologized.  She then asked me if I was dating and I told her that I have been out with a few women here and there, even close to really dating outside of my race again, but I got scared when I thought of how much her family hated me because I was black; this new girl’s family could just like that or worse so I bolted before it started. She proceeded to tell me that I shouldn’t have that fear, but that fell on deaf ears.  I’m pretty sure I’m ruined on that front.  That will always be in my mind.  I can’t be in a relationship with a person whose family doesn’t accept simply because I’m black.  That is the most ridiculous thing EVER!

 

I then told her that there is someone that could be very special and she treats me really nice, but that’s as much as I stated.  I have realized that my connection to Veronica is one of a substance that I cherish, but don’t necessarily need in my visibility range.  We have hurt each other so much and I just don’t know how to get pass the hate/pain that’s in her eyes when I see her and what she has done to me since breaking up with me.  She says it’s not intentional.  I say the way things play out tell another story. 

 

At the end of the day, she is with someone so I don’t have to worry about her safety anymore, and what has been 90% of my focus over the last 8-12 months can turn to 100% and that is all centered around the cats that were taken away from me.  I love my babies, Piper and Kahlo, and no amount of distraction from anyone, will change that fact—whether I ever see them again or not.

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