Journal Entry #9

I’m the first person to admit how much life has limited my reaction time. I’m so guarded that those I call friends are so far and few in between, I only need one hand to count them; the best friend circle is even smaller. That, in itself, is such a new concept that the thought of using the term seems forced at times.  The revalation that I actually need people around me to focus is an everyday struggle.  However, it’s true that the older I get, the lonlier I become, which causes me anxiety and then I become more withdrawn. 

I have criticized myself for being my own enemy–fighting against what I know to be the right thing because of the self-sabotage attitude that I have.  I have pushed countless people out of my life just because I looked at them as toys I could take and put back on the shelf at my own will. It’s hard for me to admit I need someone then be rejected.  That has happened a few times.  I write that off as karma working at its best. I’m a broken man simply because, naturally, I seek to break others down.  For years I have analyzed this trait inside me with no such luck of improving, but I still work on it.

The lack of understanding and/or sensitivity that I’m afforded by others makes me withdrawn. The grudge list builds no matter how hard I try to move forward and forget. Maybe this is why I subject myself to isolation even though my need for company is very apparent at this stage in my life. Well, such is life when one takes a step forward, the two steps that will push them backward, are usually around the next corner.

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