Journal Entry #21

I get a lot of people telling me I ask very good questions, all without the simple answers to relieve me of the intense pressure I feel building inside me. The weight of my own mistakes and good deeds gone unnoticed. She doesn’t know how much I love; enough to cater to her physically, sometimes pushed to the brink and beyond my capacity because mentally I was broken and couldn’t be strong; possessing the inability to make the decisions that needed to be made. I am broken–on the mend to be fixed, but it’s taking some time. How can she not care when I’ve cried to her; for her heart to heal what I have destroyed?  How can love feel so good, yet hurt so badly? Kill my joy when it’s just lingering in the thinnest air possible? Seemingly, the best revenge is not seeking revenge at all. Simply ignoring an idiot completely when he hurt you–that’s you moving on with your life, but you will never know the pain I feel for your pain, for your love that’s no longer mine, the time I’ve missed hiding in your smile and how my heart jumped with every kiss you know in your heart I loved and sincerely miss. I’ve proven to myself that I can move forward–create a new life with someone else, but what happens to a soul longing for its mate that wants no part of his reach?  What fills a void that continues to expand with every happy memory of her I can’t relinquish? Meeting someone else amazing doesn’t shadow the deepest of love made only for one.  Time may heal me, but nothing can change what my soul feels for my sexy nerd–it’s just packing everything in and making room.

I’m Tired (poem)

I’m Tired

I’m tired
of tears that leak
out of my internal faucet
missing its shut off valve

I’m tired
of the tortured
eyes I see staring
back in pity
every morning

running its judgement
over the mistakes I’ve made
in its mirrored image

I’m tired
of my loose change
not adding up
to collect
on my dreams of being free

I’m tired
of this fleshy cage rigged
of coarse bone and attitude

I’m just tired
of being me

I Found You

I Found You

forgot the past
just to rehash
through pictures I can’t burn
Valentine’s Day cards dripping
your sweetness all over me

a tattoo that bares
your emblem etched
into my skin

the touch you taught
me how to resemble
has molded
to my nerves
pulsating to a smile
every time one of my senses reach
your spirit

your voice echoes
in the void
where your love used
to be

your presence, our memories
and greatness shared
remain locked
in its cage

deep in the burrows
of a heart
that will never stop searching
for the love we once had

I know if I look
I can find you

find the soul that once was
the sunshine of my life
even in its hiding
one day I will find it
find you, waiting and smiling

Ideal Match I Am Not

Ideal Match I Am Not

ideal match I am not
trapped inside
faulty equipment resting
at the intersection
of pathetic and improbable

my creativity isn’t crafty transforming
lemons into lemonade
without a spill or two or three

so I sit quietly
in any corner I can find
shameful of things
I can’t change
often wondering
what’s makes a societal man
into me?

my insides set ablaze
every time I visualize
my walking strategy

tears no longer flow
when bloodshed
is a language
I’ve learnt

bartering knives
used to fillet
this distinction out
of me without success
left to succumb
to the  Monster inside laughing
at my frivolous attempts
to change his Mother’s glory

so where’s my Entity?
my God when I need
some wielding power
with a force creating
canyons deep enough
to make me disappear?

ideal match I am not
left to navigate
a foreign land
where my heels don’t touch
the concrete floor 
where my knees bend
to McDonald’s arches 
even when I’m not hungry
laugh cause you think it’s funny
cry cause it’s my nightmare

and this curved spine
is my personal flash warning
predicting rain and snow
slow motion movement
why is everyone in a hurry?
it’s lonely out here 

but an ideal match I am not
so I settle 
in the crevice of my own solace
watching life slowly
murder me 
as I fade into extinction

My Love is Killing Me

I keep going up and down; a walking contradiction of what I tell myself every morning–let her go!  However, I keep proving that my love is too strong.  Everything that I couldn’t do with her, I can do now and I would give anything for her to see me now. How calm I can be and rageless. The more I date, the more miserable I become. I have tried the whole fake it to make it routine and it is destroying me. Without my rage, I have so much anxiety and she is the core of it.  I just know it would work now, but her hatred for me doesn’t allow her to speak to me anymore. I can’t even remember the last time she took the time to send me a picture of my cats; see I am fucking crazy for thinking they are still my cats and I haven’t seen them in months.  I just can’t break this connection. I’ve been saying she is my soulmate for so long, my soul is broken without her. I don’t even care how I sound or how pathetic I seem. I ruined the best thing I could have hoped for and I’m paying for it ten-fold while she has moved on with her life.  Somebody shoot me now so I can feel something other than sadness PLEASE!

Once Upon A Time

Once Upon A Time

I kissed tears away
and took hands
when they were cold
blew the warmth
of a smile
on your face knowing
I was the perfection
you craved

and once upon a time
mistakes couldn’t cut
that deep
exposing flaws
of love mixed and mastered
over trial and error

then resentment took
your mind on this roller coaster
of choices
no longer a pick
in this fantasy draft

detached from sweet kisses
and a touch causing
eyes to dilate
subtle back rubs relaxed
spasms brought
on by our passion

your gift and curse
left washed up
on the curbs
of these dirty streets
when apologies don’t provide
leverage on this climb
back to my rightful place
in your heart

Journal Entry #20

I respect my therapist a great deal. It’s hard for me to conceptualize that I have been meeting with him for over a year now.  He has assisted me in gaining some self-control in how I handle my anger.  For that, he has officially done his job because that is what I initially started seeing him for.  Over the course of our sessions, however, I have come to see how lifeless I am and how he can’t necessarily fix what’s broken in me. My physical impairments have caused me to be mentally unstable simply due to not being able to accept my apperance or my limitations.  I don’t deal with pity well because I have so much of it internally. This is something I deal with daily, but hide it in the darkness of what’s left of my pride.  This has caused several strained relationships in my life ranging co-worker to friend to family to intimacy and beyond.  It’s something that I’ve been trying to stop–it’s one of few things I’m never honest about because the idea of talking–of thinking about it fills me with so much rage, it’s just not worth the aftermath.  So how does one fix a problem without a specific resolution?