Journal Entry #22

For so long I have used my love for another as a base or guage on how well I’m doing in life.  This has caused me to be unfulfilled and, in a lot of cases, miss out on what life has had to offer me, including true love.  It hurts me to know that because of my lack of self-appreciation and holding myself to such a high, unattainable standard, I have forced some really great people to think that I’m not worth the struggle.  My rage has left me broken and lonely, but for so long, it was the only emotion that gave me true peace; the sense that no one could hurt me. However, I see how much I was hurting me. Ruining chance after chance to be loved by not only someone else, but by me.

As I climb this mountain, sweating and out of breath, I know the real battle is at the top.  This is what I have waited for, but avoided.  This is where I see just how much I can endure; just how much I can allow myself to love me. This is where I prove to myself life isn’t that bad and I can have real friends, real love within myself and for others.  The true test that will define me.

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