When I love, I take it to the extreme, going above and beyond, no matter the cost to me physically and mentally. The problem has always been that I can’t my love for one, for another. When I love a person, I love them without restriction, whether it’s a family member, friend or significant other. In the past 2-3 years, I have questioned how significant a woman has to be for me to love her above everyone/everything else in my life and it is one of the very few times my mind runs blank. No question, I have a problem with being open, allowing others in, therefore, my love is only given to a select few. Once they have it, I can’t take it back; trust me, I have tried. It has single-handedly ruined my best connections, leaving my life out of order. I can’t help what I feel or what I think, which, at this point, is doing more harm than creating any positivity in my life. Everyone wants the top of the pedestal; to feel more special than the next. I just can’t quantify like that nor can I let go and my heart cracks everyday because of it. I’m just at a loss on how to change or if I even should or could. How can it be a mistake to love without limits no matter the individual?
For me, the worst part about fighting depression is admitting to myself that I have to. Trying to understand the mood swings, seemingly unbearable sadness and the light I see in the far distance that I can never seem to reach no matter how much work I put in to getting there. I’m just spinning in circles, hoping something stops me before I pass out. It just never stops spinning and I never pass out, just feel light headed and overwhelmed by nothing I can truly put my finger on. It’s a messy life that I’m forced to live without a resolution; just a bunch folks adding their two cents without making sense to rambling, matter of fact, mind. Here’s to sudden suffering.
How do you tell a writer s/he can’t write when there’s a lack of content flow and contextual elements? How do you tell a carpenter the pressure being used will split the wood? How do you tell someone their life isn’t worth the air in their lungs? Is it like telling my heart who to love? Who to care for and overall, what feelings to feel in general? Passion is hard to measure with a yard stick, but it relies on the same concept throughout human life; it fuels us to keep going no matter how much we suck at what we are doing. The stubborn nature of our beings needs it for feeding. Persistence can be foolish and lead down a path of least resolution, however, the absence of trying can be considered a beeline straight to failure. Here’s to not giving up.
Please Remember Me
as I keep time counting
teardrops as months go by
wishing you smiles genuine
with every hug and kiss
he gives that I couldn’t
please remember as I pour
blood out my wounds filling
them with salt embracing
its stinging sensations just to feel something
my confession is a simple lesson learning
who I am, who I’m not, no longer guessing
this mating dance I can’t step to
my angers a mine field
not to be explored
though your love carried me
I’m far from shore
without the life jacket of your smiling face
my only destiny
wasting away in this disguise
I can’t find your tears anymore
so please remember the feels
we shared kissing
tremors down your spine
creating smiles in moonlight
for I’m more of a man
than a broken heart can fear
worthy of a soulmate’s love
some way, some day
with any ounce of you
please remember me
Unfortunately, the older I get the less Christmas has a meaning. I’m not religious so there isn’t a true tie there and I’m not keen on large family/friend gatherings so the 25th of December doesn’t lend itself to me gearing up to see folks I haven’t seen in a while. I guess it doesn’t help that I believe if you truly love someone, you shouldn’t wait until a holiday to call or go see them, but I guess that’s just me. I did wish I could see my cats, Kahlo and Piper, but that is was a thought dead in the water before it fully materialized. I wish them and my ex the best today as I do everyday.
For the most part, I’ve been pretty chill today. I’ve had minor anxiety flare ups, but not to the point I’m reaching for pills. I just keep looking at Sebastian (my new cat) and wondering if he can see it, feel it–the antsy-ness inside of me. He’s a pretty chill cat though and, at times, I wonder if he’s happy here. I haven’t had much interaction outside of myself so I can’t be sure if this is his natural demeanor or if he is unhappy with my unhappiness. That’s probably my mind just creating things, allowing myself to be negative as always. However, it brings me to my next point–in therapy, the other day, we talked about Jacob, the other me, and how I truly felt about him and his actions. I came to the conclusion that Jacob doesn’t exist; a strong figment of my imagination that rely on so I don’t have to accept my responsibility. My therapist shied away from this stating in so many words that it is too early for him to really tell if I have an alter or personality disorder or whatever. I won’t accept it. I preach about responsibility to myself and others so much, believing in Jacob would really be a contradiction to everything I try to represent. In 2014, I’m trying to regain my life without him. I did tell my therapist that I have anxiety issues and a mind that ends up everywhere so I need meds for that, but just that. This other me is a thing of the past. I have allowed my anger, fear and whatever else that is negative inside me to get the best of me for far too long and I have lost (damn, I have lost) so much over it. Not anymore. I am making concious efforts to rid myself of the monster that lives inside me; become one with and embrace him for who and what he is, just me. Jacob, you only have a week, give or take to do your thing, because I’m getting your cage ready.
Although, I’m filled with some anxiety as this is the first Christmas spent without my nerd, Kahlo and Piper, their wellness and health is something to celebrate.
For all of the people (and cats lol) that I love that I can’t physically touch today, know that you are loved, honored, and respected. As the new me continues to emerge going into 2014, I understand each of your value and I cherish every bit of it as only I can.
It is exactly one week and two days until the new year’s beginning and I’m stuck in a pattern I am trying to break. I feel like I have been in a continuous time loop of destruction for the last 3 years of my life. I have come to a lot of realizations about who I am as a man–a person, and I suck. It’s mostly been negative after negative after negative. I’m socially incompetent and my reliance on medicine to think/focus is becoming mundane. A big part of my existence is my inability to love wholly (one of my strongest desires in life). I think my best friends put up with me out of necessity. They take care of me, continuing to prove their genuine generosity whenever possible, but I always question my level of appreciation. I have so much to be thankful for, but my mind won’t allow what it is I’m so desparate to feel.
Officially, I have lost a woman that I loved beyond anything, yet I got in the way. She did what was best for her and objectively, I can understand the need to get away from an angered, ranging maniac completely; with my cats or what was my cats, by her side. Then after an extensive search, I found someone who could withstand my destruction, yet, I felt myself demeaning her existence. I could see her future self begin to hate me for my lack of love and appreciation, thus, we amicably parted ways. She was the next best thing to my relationship norm, yet, I found ways to be ungrateful and pushed myself to be aggravated and annoyed by the smallest things.
So as I look to revamp my existence and find purpose in my personal life, maybe I should come to realize that what I truly desire isn’t the appreciation of someone else, but for my inner workings to appreciate itself.
Piper and Kahlo happen to be the best birthday present I’ve ever gotten and even though I haven’t seen my babies in a very long time, that still reigns true. However, in the picture above, I’ve landed an amazingly, calm cat right in my lap, I affectionately named Sebastian. He is the best Christmas gift I’ve ever gotten, thanks to some amazing co-workers. He is, besides my babies, of course, the most beautiful cat I’ve ever seen (helps that every time I look at him, I’m reminded of the lion cub I’ve always wanted lol).
Sebastian came to me as a Secret Santa gift–something we do every year in the office and I happened to get a co-worker that knows me well enough to know that if I was to get another cat, Sebastian is what he would look like. I still can’t wrap my mind around how she planned it and included other people I work with in on the surprise. Hell, they even snuck him in the office. When I first saw him, the wave of emotions that went through me were very intense. I couldn’t stop smiling. I wanted to cry. I didn’t really know what I was going to do with him due to my current living situation. I always thought about getting another cat, one that no one could take from me should we have a falling out, but Kahlo and Piper take up so much of my mental space daily, it was, until now, hard to focus on getting another cat. Now that I have him though, I can’t see it any other way. My family has been so supportive and it’s only been three days since I’ve had him and he’s already taking to me well. We roll around on the floor together, I fall asleep and he is right there on my lap and he runs up to me when I come into the room. That’s more than enough to smile about for a while.
He’s my new little dude and while my girls, Kahlo and Piper, rest comfortably (I hope) away from me, I have to open myself to love Sebastian even harder knowing that he’s probably the solution I’ve needed to fix this problem that I’ve been plagued with some time now; my co-workers say that they want me happy–this little guy just may do that for me.
My therapist consistently days that I may be an empath. Others have stated that it is possible that I have prophetic abilities. Neither brings a smile to my face because only feel the bad, negativity, or displacement of others. For example, with Veronica, I still feel when something isn’t quite right. I do have this fear now of calling or texting so I don’t. I just try hard to block the visions too painful to put into words or the almost nightly dreams that keep me wishing for her happiness. Maybe one day I can be courageous (and courteous) and do a brief communication check to see if she is smiling a smile, I’d love to see
This Addict’s Mind
the silence whispers
with a thousand mouths baring
for its time to consume
mumbling what I don’t understand
at me from the bottom
of these broken bottles laid
in a parallel succession
directly front of feet
no longer able to hold me upright
anger forms behind
eyes now used for water faucets
tears flow freely on dreams
I want to forget
I’ve already survived
my past’s blade once
I may not be so lucky