It is exactly one week and two days until the new year’s beginning and I’m stuck in a pattern I am trying to break. I feel like I have been in a continuous time loop of destruction for the last 3 years of my life. I have come to a lot of realizations about who I am as a man–a person, and I suck. It’s mostly been negative after negative after negative. I’m socially incompetent and my reliance on medicine to think/focus is becoming mundane. A big part of my existence is my inability to love wholly (one of my strongest desires in life). I think my best friends put up with me out of necessity. They take care of me, continuing to prove their genuine generosity whenever possible, but I always question my level of appreciation. I have so much to be thankful for, but my mind won’t allow what it is I’m so desparate to feel.
Officially, I have lost a woman that I loved beyond anything, yet I got in the way. She did what was best for her and objectively, I can understand the need to get away from an angered, ranging maniac completely; with my cats or what was my cats, by her side. Then after an extensive search, I found someone who could withstand my destruction, yet, I felt myself demeaning her existence. I could see her future self begin to hate me for my lack of love and appreciation, thus, we amicably parted ways. She was the next best thing to my relationship norm, yet, I found ways to be ungrateful and pushed myself to be aggravated and annoyed by the smallest things.
So as I look to revamp my existence and find purpose in my personal life, maybe I should come to realize that what I truly desire isn’t the appreciation of someone else, but for my inner workings to appreciate itself.