Unfortunately, the older I get the less Christmas has a meaning. I’m not religious so there isn’t a true tie there and I’m not keen on large family/friend gatherings so the 25th of December doesn’t lend itself to me gearing up to see folks I haven’t seen in a while. I guess it doesn’t help that I believe if you truly love someone, you shouldn’t wait until a holiday to call or go see them, but I guess that’s just me. I did wish I could see my cats, Kahlo and Piper, but that is was a thought dead in the water before it fully materialized. I wish them and my ex the best today as I do everyday.
For the most part, I’ve been pretty chill today. I’ve had minor anxiety flare ups, but not to the point I’m reaching for pills. I just keep looking at Sebastian (my new cat) and wondering if he can see it, feel it–the antsy-ness inside of me. He’s a pretty chill cat though and, at times, I wonder if he’s happy here. I haven’t had much interaction outside of myself so I can’t be sure if this is his natural demeanor or if he is unhappy with my unhappiness. That’s probably my mind just creating things, allowing myself to be negative as always. However, it brings me to my next point–in therapy, the other day, we talked about Jacob, the other me, and how I truly felt about him and his actions. I came to the conclusion that Jacob doesn’t exist; a strong figment of my imagination that rely on so I don’t have to accept my responsibility. My therapist shied away from this stating in so many words that it is too early for him to really tell if I have an alter or personality disorder or whatever. I won’t accept it. I preach about responsibility to myself and others so much, believing in Jacob would really be a contradiction to everything I try to represent. In 2014, I’m trying to regain my life without him. I did tell my therapist that I have anxiety issues and a mind that ends up everywhere so I need meds for that, but just that. This other me is a thing of the past. I have allowed my anger, fear and whatever else that is negative inside me to get the best of me for far too long and I have lost (damn, I have lost) so much over it. Not anymore. I am making concious efforts to rid myself of the monster that lives inside me; become one with and embrace him for who and what he is, just me. Jacob, you only have a week, give or take to do your thing, because I’m getting your cage ready.