Am I Seeking Closure in the Right Direction?

In time, change is inevitable.  Around us and within us as human beings, something will have to change–eventually.  I’ve never been sincerely afraid of change as I feel I’m always in a constant state of  unknown the way my mind works. I tend to go with things, but this love thing has me stuck (I will come back to this). I’m learning not to consider myself damage goods because of the way I walk or with my mental inconsistencies making it hard for people to enjoy me for me.  One thing has always been clear, since the day, I had my head down on that table and she was smiling and eating, I knew that she was it.  In so many ways I tried to show her by the way I handled her with care, concern, compromising as best I could without totally killing what I held dear inside.  Why is it that it’s so hard to be in love when I know, both parties felt it so strongly?  I learned very early on that humans don’t all love the same way.  Some can love instantly and everyone they meet.  That’s not me.  I can love instantly, but the words take a while to form.  The feeling and actions begin to manifest in the attention I provide, but the words linger awhile longer in some other place.  I prefer action over words in 99% of the cases I experience in life and that 1% I figure I will just leave to chance.  Every relationship will have its problems, sometimes really bad times, and then good, really really good times.  I’m just not used to people loving me and it was difficult opening up to people.  With over a year of therapy, I have realized a lot of things in my life had been locked away; too afraid to face and thus have led to many predicaments and actions, I wish there was a God to take back.  For only this entity would be powerful enough to create the type of time travel I need to fix a past scattered with disappointment.  However, none greater than that of losing a family I didn’t realize I had until it was too late.  A family I dreamed of since I was 13 years old.

I remember our problems–me being angry all the time for reasons I couldn’t discuss because I just didn’t know.  I needed help, but just didn’t know to ask.  This led to drinking everyday just for me to find a sense of calmness; sometimes it worked and sometimes it didn’t.  She was on the end of that rage when I couldn’t find peace within myself.  Words can’t express how sorry I am for that.  It wasn’t physical abuse, but I would deem it mental destruction now that I know better.  Also, one of my best friends is my high school sweetheart-known her for over 13 years and my nerd wanted me to end it.  That was harder than it may seem.  Yes, at a time, we were intimate and yes, I love her, but not in the way that one loves their soulmate (my friends, so few in nature, are like my girl without the sex so if I needed, no matter the time of day, I feel compelled to move into action–this I could have revised).

See, with my nerd, I smiled at her in the darkness when she slept.  Moved her hair out of her face so I could get a closer look.  Wiped her nose when she was sick and made sure, physically, that she never wanted for anything.  I would get up in the middle of the night just to make sure doors were locked and the stove was off.  I rubbed her feet after work and wiped away her tears as best I could.  The smallest things I just did without thinking.  However,  I forgot about emotion–because I lacked it.  Somewhere my early years, I forgot how to care about feelings on the deepest of levels; knowing that sometimes reassurance is the only medicine.  I’m learning, with help, I’m learning.

My problems with her–my tears were scarce–foreign even so when she saw them she didn’t know what to do.  Sometimes, I just needed her to say I’m here, not try to fix what was broken for I needed that experience of fixing it for myself.  For it, I have grown.  Her parents, my biggest issue of all, as she is a big family person, hated me.  Without rhyme or reason, at first, just simply because our ethnicities didn’t match.  The pain that it caused me and still causes me is very hard to put into words.  The pain it caused her, the conflict I could see in her eyes, the pleas for me to adjust and adapt in her voice, virtually unbearable.  I succumbed to those pleas a time or two and it didn’t end well for me.  No need for me to rehash those moments, but lets just imagine some of the lowest moments one can have and go from there. Racism is real, I now know that more than ever, unfortunately.  The way I love Veronica is the way I wanted her parents to love me–she’s so close to them.  I wanted them to see how much of my world she had.  Where our hearts could take us.

Finally, she had too much and had to go.  A good decision in the moment for her, but I never imagined a day she would leave me, especially not like this.  Totally disconnected.  For a while, I got it.  I understood the need to rebuild the self.  I understood the need for me to get it under control, the anger and all the other little intricacies I’m plagued with that has nothing to do with me loving her the way I do.  My mind tells me that I will and can love that girl through anything.  My mistakes have led me to see her with other people.  The intimacy of a touch I was claimed my own, now theirs and I don’t love her any less.  The totally shut off of communication has not taken away the joy she brought me for almost 4 years even though I didn’t always show it.  So it stands 4 months after we broke up I proposed, and since I’m writing this, she obviously declined.  My love has never wavered.  Whenever she called or text, I would come assisting in any way I could even when my livelihood was on the line.  Even when I knew she was with someone else and she needed help to fix something detrimental, I was there.  As mad as I was, my love’s stronger.

I was recently asked how I know she is my soulmate.  My simply reply: even now, she is the first thing I think about when I wake up in the morning and she is the last thing I think about when I go to bed.  I worry if she is warm enough in our snow storms as I am not there to blow and kiss her hands as she murmurs tengo frio.  I worry about her safety out in the world before my own and if there was a such thing as a genie, my sole wish would be that s/he place a permanent smile on her face and joy in her heart every single second of the day.

For this reason, it has been hard to hold a relationship with someone else.  I have met some great women and I have tried to make it work, but none greater than a soulmate whose essence will not allow me to move forward in peace.

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