I needed closure, but I never expected the door to the love I have held so close for so long to get slammed in my face. It took a couple of weeks to work up my nerves to text her and that granted me a 45 minute conversation that left no hint of remorse and listening to phrases such as “yes, you did a lot for me after we broke up, but what do you think I owe you.” I have never known my nerd to be so cold-hearted. Her parents racist demeanor and overall hatred towards me for at least the first 2 years of our relationship, in her mind, should have had no impact on my anger even though I wanted to be accepted by them. She said they didn’t like me because they knew about my first girlfriend, years ago, that developed into one of my best friends. I didn’t know that confusion or dislike was in direct correlation with racism, but I must have been mistaken. I remember when we first met, we would have to sneak phone calls and when they found out, they would argue and take her phone away so she couldn’t talk to me. I’m pretty sure that my first girlfriend, years ago, wasn’t a factor in those types of behaviors, but I digress.
She told me she was in a different place now, which I can understand, however, the disrespect behind her tone–it was just jarring for me; my wake up call so to speak. I wanted to get coffee and talk (when we broke up and she wanted to rekindle things, she invited me for a drink–I guess I was thinking something similar without the rekindling.) I love her so much, I was willing to settle to just be in her life. My text to her was “I still love you. Is it possible to grab coffee soon.” Not have sex or kiss or talk about anything that remotely would make her uncomfortable as I know she is in a relationship. I have nothing against this guy. A couple of years back, when she was in college, once the three of us ate lunch together and she talked about him a time or two after that throughout the course of our relationship. I can’t say that she was intimate with him or not while we were together as some would assume. It’s just irrelevant at this point.
I really wanted to talk about the cats, Piper and Kahlo, the best birthday gift that I had ever received that was taken from me under false pretenses. Had I known, in clear conscience, that I would never seen my babies again, I would have never agreed to let both of them stay with her. How is it fair to me? It hurts me to no end that I have lost her and my babies, but when I think about losing them and never seeing them, some days, I must admit, that it is unbearable. I see Piper in Sebastian when he is just being chill and then when he licks my face when he feels I’m sad, I’m reminded of Kahlo. Sebastian is a welcomed addition, but he can never be a substitute for what I held so dear before him.
My wish is that Veronica could just breathe a little, remember the best part of me and then give me the courtesy of seeing them again–joint custody maybe, I don’t know. It’s frightening to me how cruel she is now. The tone she has when she talks to me. It’s a very indifferent, whatever, I don’t need this and you’re lucky I picked up the phone to talk to you, type of thing and I’m wondering how could she have ever loved me if that’s how she truly feels about me. I remember my angry self with her and I was bad enough, but I always told and SHOWED her love while I tried to work through the problem. Of course, she isn’t me. Maybe she just has either/or, happy or angry and right now, she must feel I deserve all of her discontentment. I love her anyways and will continue to think about her well-being just as I always have since the moment I met her. My love doesn’t change.
At the very least, I’ve been set free. I don’t feel the weight of wonder anymore. It has finally sunk in that Veronica being with me is a thing of the past; that family I often dreamed of is has truly vanished and I must move forward, not only for myself, but for Sebastian. If I don’t deserve a happy, healthy life, he sure does. When I don’t have courage to move on for me, I will think of him; do it for him