The Ledge

The Ledge

rocking back and forth while
playing love’s dangerous hand
a fix I need flowing
through veins uncertain
if its hit will be my last

as I laid down a life
once before

now not worthy
of a kiss, a hug
but this drug still calls
out to me  subtle
with no remorse
or hope for sobriety

I’m bound
hands and feet
tongue tied

stuck in a past
bloodied by anger and regret
misunderstanding confusion
under the illusion
that you’re there
to catch
me when I fall

Sickening

Sickening

The
thought
of
you
brings vomit to the surface

swallowed hard
just to regurgitate
the contents of your disdain

your wayward promiscuity seeking jealousy has rendered
me a lifeless sack weighing
your promises against
my mistakes cause an angst
I swear to break

to take your fake love
to my grave
will only let you win
a war never intended
your knife through my heart
the facade now broken

Love’s Dilemma

Love’s Dilemma

not safe in a grasp
of unsteady hands ready
to spill destruction
over everything it touches

so I’m left with nothing fighting battles in different war zones
and its mostly within me
can’t you hear screaming?

breaking down walls
to build them up tall
then watch them fall
at the sight of it all

this rhythmic pattern circles
my life pulls me like magnates
but which way is right?

my mind tells me love is
my heart tells love hurts
my eyes tell me love shows
but only my soul really knows

in its purest fashion
of something intangible caressing my shoulders causing
eyelids to flutter at its lost

the search continues to feel again but at what cost
when instability settles
in my direction at each corner
of Heartbreak and Disaster

Got Me Thinking

Pain-wise, this has been one of the worst weeks in my 28 years of life. Monday night, my upper body, particularly, the center of my neck down through my shoulder blades, became paralyzed.  The worst feeling for me, is not having control over my body.  Being a person with a disability, I often worry about the day I won’t be able to do anything for myself.  My mobility is okay, but on days like Monday night, I worry about being alone. Having someone to love me enough to care for me no matter what. In that moment, not being able to move, I wondered who would be there when I really needed them?

Resolution to an Era

Resolution to an Era

trying to find solace
in the contents of this bottle
as the response I’ve waited
in nearly two years time shatters
my soul

pieces flying in all directions
fragments too small to count

hoping after a year
to hear I love you still

grants me

“you’re just an ex”
“what did you expect”

never fathomed
soulmates coming or going
but now I’m left 
with an answer
no need to ponder

I’m dead in eyes once sparkled
for my kiss

the hand I held
now wields an ice pick
chipping at my spirit

a conversation too weak
to relive
too hurt not to forget yet
having too much love not to forgive

on this date, 2/3/14

I got confirmation 
in her life
I have no place

You’re Just an Ex, What Did You Expect

I needed closure, but I never expected the door to the love I have held so close for so long to get slammed in my face. It took a couple of weeks to work up my nerves to text her and that granted me a 45 minute conversation that left no hint of remorse and listening to phrases such as “yes, you did a lot for me after we broke up, but what do you think I owe you.” I have never known my nerd to be so cold-hearted. Her parents racist demeanor and overall hatred towards me for at least the first 2 years of our relationship, in her mind, should have had no impact on my anger even though I wanted to be accepted by them. She said they didn’t like me because they knew about my first girlfriend, years ago, that developed into one of my best friends. I didn’t know that confusion or dislike was in direct correlation with racism, but I must have been mistaken. I remember when we first met, we would have to sneak phone calls and when they found out, they would argue and take her phone away so she couldn’t talk to me. I’m pretty sure that my first girlfriend, years ago, wasn’t a factor in those types of behaviors, but I digress.

She told me she was in a different place now, which I can understand, however, the disrespect behind her tone–it was just jarring for me; my wake up call so to speak. I wanted to get coffee and talk (when we broke up and she wanted to rekindle things, she invited me for a drink–I guess I was thinking something similar without the rekindling.) I love her so much, I was willing to settle to just be in her life. My text to her was “I still love you. Is it possible to grab coffee soon.” Not have sex or kiss or talk about anything that remotely would make her uncomfortable as I know she is in a relationship. I have nothing against this guy. A couple of years back, when she was in college, once the three of us ate lunch together and she talked about him a time or two after that throughout the course of our relationship. I can’t say that she was intimate with him or not while we were together as some would assume. It’s just irrelevant at this point.

I really wanted to talk about the cats, Piper and Kahlo, the best birthday gift that I had ever received that was taken from me under false pretenses. Had I known, in clear conscience, that I would never seen my babies again, I would have never agreed to let both of them stay with her. How is it fair to me? It hurts me to no end that I have lost her and my babies, but when I think about losing them and never seeing them, some days, I must admit, that it is unbearable. I see Piper in Sebastian when he is just being chill and then when he licks my face when he feels I’m sad, I’m reminded of Kahlo. Sebastian is a welcomed addition, but he can never be a substitute for what I held so dear before him.

My wish is that Veronica could just breathe a little, remember the best part of me and then give me the courtesy of seeing them again–joint custody maybe, I don’t know. It’s frightening to me how cruel she is now. The tone she has when she talks to me. It’s a very indifferent, whatever, I don’t need this and you’re lucky I picked up the phone to talk to you, type of thing and I’m wondering how could she have ever loved me if that’s how she truly feels about me. I remember my angry self with her and I was bad enough, but I always told and SHOWED her love while I tried to work through the problem. Of course, she isn’t me. Maybe she just has either/or, happy or angry and right now, she must feel I deserve all of her discontentment. I love her anyways and will continue to think about her well-being just as I always have since the moment I met her. My love doesn’t change.

At the very least, I’ve been set free. I don’t feel the weight of wonder anymore. It has finally sunk in that Veronica being with me is a thing of the past; that family I often dreamed of is has truly vanished and I must move forward, not only for myself, but for Sebastian. If I don’t deserve a happy, healthy life, he sure does. When I don’t have courage to move on for me, I will think of him; do it for him