Putting It on the Table

The hardest thing to do is to ask for help when you can’t fathom why you need it.

This has been a struggle for most of my life. In one form or another, I have always shied away from help.  It made me feel weak and worthless; as though I didn’t have the power to stand on my own feet. I have had people helping me since my earliest memories without justification.  I’m disabled, not broken, I can do it.  Well, in fact, I do and have felt broken a lot in the past. My belief that I was put

in the wrong body, led down the wrong path and quite possibly, given the wrong support team has cultivated my modern day depression/anxiety cocktail.  Drowning in pills and knife play has burrowed its way into the background of my life–for which I have grown accustomed, but feel guilty at the same time.

My strive for perfection has always been a hindrance to my personal and social growth.  The ideology that I have created; this creed to never make the same mistake twice overwhelms me with pressure and now the blurred lines I have crossed with certain loved ones have left me lonely and confused.

I believe that I have been preconditioned to see only the negative in everything that I or anyone else does.  The belief that I’m so great is a facade for the fact that I’m scared of everything in life.  The anger I utilized as fuel to push my way out is the same emotion I used to keep me stagnate.  The secret belief of feeling undeserving of love, the inability to start/finish anything I am truly passionate about consistent adds to my inability to relate to others until it’s too late.

The biggest problem I have is that I am objectively aware that I have a problem without a true means to find solace or resolution–whichever is easiest to find that I live happily with.  Even with a therapist who listens and cares, I am missing something that I have been looking for my entire existence, self-acceptance.  I have learned that neither a girlfriend, boyfriend, lover, friend, family member, therapist or medicine can provide me wholly.  This one is my sole responsibility that I try hard everyday, not to let take me to the dark, deep hole I can’t crawl out from.

I used to think I didn’t need help. That I was strong enough everything thrown at me. I am wise enough to know better, through trial and error, love and lost.  I have reached out for help, it just hasn’t reached back.

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11 responses to “Putting It on the Table

  1. Since you shared a bit about your life, I want to share a bit about mine with you.

    For whatever reasons, I’ve pretty much had to look out for myself all my life. I never even realized when I was younger that I could ask for help. I was never taught to do so and we lived in if not total social isolation, pretty close to it.

    Almost all of my life has been a struggle in one way or another. It may have been easier if I had asked for help once I realized that I could, but by then I knew that it was frowned on in my family. It was better to go without anything than to ask for help.

    Then through a series of events, I lost everything in my life. I didn’t know which was to turn. I literally felt as if I had fallen into an unending well of despair and as I fell, I could see the opening getting smaller and smaller. Finally I set aside my pride and asked for help from God. The thought that came into my mind was to contact one of my sisters.

    She acted immediately and mobilized my family. In short order my life changed. Not the despair, but I had stopped falling and started climbing. It took many years, but eventually I got out of the well.

    Things are not perfect in my life. They never will be. I’m human and perfection for human beings is an illusion, a mirage that you are continually heading towards but will never reach. And while you’re focused on the mirage, your life is passing you by in the here and now.

    What then is the answer?

    Hope.

    Love.

    Belief.

    You really are one of a kind. There has never been, nor will there ever be, another you. In that respect, you are perfect already because there is no one that you can compare yourself to as you are unique.

    I don’t know why you don’t have self-acceptance, or feel that you don’t have it. Maybe you are looking in places where it is not instead of where it is located – within.

    We have one life. This is it. Each second that goes by will never come again. How can you enjoy your life if dislike yourself?

    Everyone believes as they will and I’m not preaching to you. I wouldn’t presume to so. But I do believe and I will pray for you.

    May God’s peace, the peace that is not even understandable by us, descend upon you. May His love fill your heart for yourself. You are made in His image and that way too, you are perfect.

    • Thank you for sharing. My objectivity allows me to see your response as of value even though I don’t share your faith; I understand the point of my worth being within me, however, when I look at myself in the mirror, I don’t believe I see me–I see something unfamiliar.

      • It is and has been the biggest issue in my life to truly love what I see when I look at myself externally. My views on religion and/or spiritually change sporadically, however, I have never been convinced that an Entity created me or has the power to change me–I don’t have faith in speculation and the unknown, although, at times, I wished I had that avenue at my disposal, if even just to give myself a small break from my reality of constant internal/external pain. Having belief or something to focus limits the ability to focus on the negative all the time; unfortunately, I haven’t made it there yet.

      • I wish we were face-to-face right now. It wouldn’t matter where, I just would welcome the opportunity to commune with you.

        My belief doesn’t come from nothing or from familial rote as I grew up. It comes from questioning and from my own logic. Within the limitations of my own mind, I cannot see any other reason for the Universe than that it was created by an entity that humanity has for those who believe — labeled God. My experiences both in hindsight and currently, also have no other explanation for me. Having faith is a comfort. More than anything it says, “you are not alone”.

        I don’t think any emotion we have stems from nothing. How you feel about yourself, your reflection and your pain, has roots somewhere in something. Maybe those roots can’t be altered, maybe they can. But if they can’t, what grows from them surely can be. Think of the art of bonsai.

        We are born without a choice in our genetic material. We grow as children in the soil we’ve been planted in no matter how rich or poor it is in nutrients. But we still retain free will and alter our growth. I don’t say it will always be easy. It might not be totally to what we envision. We can do it though.

        You are who you are and do what you will do. We have, and are, interacting. I think that’s a good thing. Do you see the beauty in it? If so, then do me a favor. The next time you look in the mirror, smile. That is you.

      • I just want to say thank you. I feel as though you understand. That let’s me know I’m not alone in this.

        My roots are deep and I agree that what comes from them can be altered–this is the constant struggle on how that alteration can be a positive one.

        Thank you again for taking time out of your life to help me in mine. That does not go overlooked.

      • Good. That makes me smile.

        About two years ago someone told me about balance in life. I’d never really given it a lot of thought until then, but since then, I’ve noticed it in my life.

        We always seek balance in ourselves. If there is a part of our lives where we feel we have absolutely no control, we find another part where we can have control and go overboard to compensate for the part where we do not have it. I think that is the beginning of all addictions.

        Once we are addicted to something no matter what it is – alcohol, drugs, food, sex, anger, whatever – it alters our brain. If we decide to quit the addiction, we literally have to fight our own brain. Not an easy thing to do, but the fact that people have done it proves it can be done.

        I think it is the same with genetics. We are born with certain tendencies and sometimes actual physical differences, that if they can’t be changed, can be modified (think the bonsai art again).

        For example, I know someone who is a hoarder. I wanted to learn more about it so I studied it. I learned that there is an actual difference in a chromosome in a section of the frontal lobe of hoarder’s brain. So it’s genetic. I learned that it is also considered a learned behavior as one or both parents usually were hoarders. It is currently classified as an OCD disorder, but that is because they haven’t designed a classification for it yet. People can overcome it, but it is very hard to do. Not only are they fighting their own genetics, they are fighting a learned behavior. Even when they are told what they are doing is considered out of balance, even when it causes them to lose personal connections, they don’t grasp that it’s a problem, so that really almost locks out all hope of their being any change. Almost.

        So what is the difference between those that change despite all the odds? I believe it is a crying out when you’ve done all that you can, that you’ve said to yourself, “I give up” and call upon God to lift you, to change your life.

        “Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

        Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.”

        Philippians 4:4-9

        Life is hard. Life is short. All you get by trying to do it all by yourself is broken fingernails and a mouth full of dirt. The key is love. God is love. That’s the whole Bible in a nutshell. Try God. If you are sincere, He is there for you. Your life may not miraculously change immediately, but change it will.

        And once you realize God’s love for you, you’ll nurture the love for yourself.

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