My mental suffering, in part, is one of my own doing. When I’m at my lowest, I reach to folks I love the most. Often times, over the span of the last decade, I have seen those I love unconditionally have let me down tremendously. A couple of people have apologized for their inadequacies in providing friendship to me and others simply forget about me all together. These have come in the form of former friends and long term lovers. Now I have been asked how I can love someone that brings me down, worst yet, not there when I need them most. The simple answer is, my love for certain people is unwavering. I don’t love because I am loved returned. I love because of a series of actions that have transpired over a period of time that opened up my senses to greatness. However, I’m learning slowly, that I can’t be responsible for someone choosing to stop loving me based on their personal circumstances, etc. I am, however, responsible for how I allow it to affect me over a certain time period.
I have a best friend or lack thereof, just disappear without so much as a letter. I still love this individual, but I no longer expect a re-emergence in my life. This individual has passed away and I grieve accordingly. I have an old relationship that, unfortunately, I will have to put in this category as well. This is the process of cleaning house for the betterment of me.
My therapist consistently days that I may be an empath. Others have stated that it is possible that I have prophetic abilities. Neither brings a smile to my face because only feel the bad, negativity, or displacement of others. For example, with Veronica, I still feel when something isn’t quite right. I do have this fear now of calling or texting so I don’t. I just try hard to block the visions too painful to put into words or the almost nightly dreams that keep me wishing for her happiness. Maybe one day I can be courageous (and courteous) and do a brief communication check to see if she is smiling a smile, I’d love to see
Not sure what the proper protocol is for loving women I have been in relationships with, obviously. However, Veronica is different. She always has been, I just didn’t know how to show it completely when we were together.
This is all coming from multiple places; I woke up this morning thinking about her and the love I feel for her alone (not Kahlo and Piper. I often group my feelings for them together so I don’t have to focus on it too much). My continued progress in dealing with my emotions has also increased my objectivity. I don’t want to seem disrespectful by texting or calling her saying I love you. This is totally based on my improvement in assessing myself and feelings. I realize that I don’t love a lot of people so to erase someone that I do, hurts so much. Again, how I feel about Veronica is unlike any other; my ability to feel something without anger has shown me that. I constantly worry about her safety and whether or not she is happy, and I contain my love for her out of respect for our relationships with other people.
I don’t want disrespect anyone, but I love her so much so, I should be able to tell her. I guess another issue is I’m not sure if she even cares about me at all, at this point. That’s another post though.
For so long I have used my love for another as a base or guage on how well I’m doing in life. This has caused me to be unfulfilled and, in a lot of cases, miss out on what life has had to offer me, including true love. It hurts me to know that because of my lack of self-appreciation and holding myself to such a high, unattainable standard, I have forced some really great people to think that I’m not worth the struggle. My rage has left me broken and lonely, but for so long, it was the only emotion that gave me true peace; the sense that no one could hurt me. However, I see how much I was hurting me. Ruining chance after chance to be loved by not only someone else, but by me.
As I climb this mountain, sweating and out of breath, I know the real battle is at the top. This is what I have waited for, but avoided. This is where I see just how much I can endure; just how much I can allow myself to love me. This is where I prove to myself life isn’t that bad and I can have real friends, real love within myself and for others. The true test that will define me.
I get a lot of people telling me I ask very good questions, all without the simple answers to relieve me of the intense pressure I feel building inside me. The weight of my own mistakes and good deeds gone unnoticed. She doesn’t know how much I love; enough to cater to her physically, sometimes pushed to the brink and beyond my capacity because mentally I was broken and couldn’t be strong; possessing the inability to make the decisions that needed to be made. I am broken–on the mend to be fixed, but it’s taking some time. How can she not care when I’ve cried to her; for her heart to heal what I have destroyed? How can love feel so good, yet hurt so badly? Kill my joy when it’s just lingering in the thinnest air possible? Seemingly, the best revenge is not seeking revenge at all. Simply ignoring an idiot completely when he hurt you–that’s you moving on with your life, but you will never know the pain I feel for your pain, for your love that’s no longer mine, the time I’ve missed hiding in your smile and how my heart jumped with every kiss you know in your heart I loved and sincerely miss. I’ve proven to myself that I can move forward–create a new life with someone else, but what happens to a soul longing for its mate that wants no part of his reach? What fills a void that continues to expand with every happy memory of her I can’t relinquish? Meeting someone else amazing doesn’t shadow the deepest of love made only for one. Time may heal me, but nothing can change what my soul feels for my sexy nerd–it’s just packing everything in and making room.
I respect my therapist a great deal. It’s hard for me to conceptualize that I have been meeting with him for over a year now. He has assisted me in gaining some self-control in how I handle my anger. For that, he has officially done his job because that is what I initially started seeing him for. Over the course of our sessions, however, I have come to see how lifeless I am and how he can’t necessarily fix what’s broken in me. My physical impairments have caused me to be mentally unstable simply due to not being able to accept my apperance or my limitations. I don’t deal with pity well because I have so much of it internally. This is something I deal with daily, but hide it in the darkness of what’s left of my pride. This has caused several strained relationships in my life ranging co-worker to friend to family to intimacy and beyond. It’s something that I’ve been trying to stop–it’s one of few things I’m never honest about because the idea of talking–of thinking about it fills me with so much rage, it’s just not worth the aftermath. So how does one fix a problem without a specific resolution?
So I’ve been working on a lot of poetry lately; nothing I can really iron out to completion. My thoughts have been so scattered and I have been feeling sadder than normal. That’s really saying a lot. I just can’t seem to grasp this concept of being lonely even when I’m in the company of others. I don’t understand what’s happening to me. I keep spazing out in my head and freaking out and then I’m fine. I’m sure it is partly this whole moving thing, but I am really worried about my constant need for people and the means I will/have gone to, to keep at least person around me at all times. Treading water can be a very dangerous thing. Here’s to hoping I make it to dry land soon.