To Only You

No matter how hard life may be or how good, my soul still aches for you. I dream of your presence and there’s no mistaken you with a present or future. Still the best thing I could breathe in our species.

I think of you at my best. I think of you at my worst. My heart wants your happiness and my spirit wants your smile. I no longer have to say your name because the universe, everything around me, says it so loudly.

If there’s ever a day you think I don’t believe you matter,  think again and breathe deep – I’m sure you’ll feel me.  Thank you from afar.

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The First Visit

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Sebastian’s first visit to the vet.  I’m happy to report that he is as healthy as he looks and has no worries in the near future. At 12 pounds, the vet said I need to be mindful of his diet (admittedly, I feed him a lot so i don’t get his Puss in Boots face). He likes his bowl filled all the time so I have to feed him in increments now. This way he can have what he wants but he doesn’t get too much bigger. Unfortunately, it has been a while since I have had a cat lingering around me so I tend to give him his way a lot to make up for time I have lost with my other babies. I was a lot stricter with Kahlo and Piper, but it was a smoother transition when I got them.  I knew their history with them coming from a shelter; their documentation was there.  With Sebastian, we are piecing together his past. 

From this vet visit, I have learned that he is more than likely closer to 3 years old based on his teeth.  I was told he was 8 months to a year when I got him, but that I knew that wasn’t true based on my experience with cats in general. The vet told me that he is a Domestic Medium Hair even though I was thinking Long Hair and he could have some Maine Coon in him. I love that breed of cat so I thought  that was pretty cool because of their fur.  His coloring isn’t native to Maine Coons, according to vet, but the resemblance is there.  It really doesn’t matter one way or the other as I love him as any of my furry children, near or far.  Sebastian has given me perspective and a new sense of adventure that we are expanding on everyday.

Since I don’t have records on him, he got a Rabies shot and I was given a list of vaccinations that I should consider getting for him.  These decisions will be made in the next 2 weeks when I take him back to the vet for a follow up. For now, we will lay back and chill or as he likes to do–chase me around the house. Gotta love that!

Am I Seeking Closure in the Right Direction?

In time, change is inevitable.  Around us and within us as human beings, something will have to change–eventually.  I’ve never been sincerely afraid of change as I feel I’m always in a constant state of  unknown the way my mind works. I tend to go with things, but this love thing has me stuck (I will come back to this). I’m learning not to consider myself damage goods because of the way I walk or with my mental inconsistencies making it hard for people to enjoy me for me.  One thing has always been clear, since the day, I had my head down on that table and she was smiling and eating, I knew that she was it.  In so many ways I tried to show her by the way I handled her with care, concern, compromising as best I could without totally killing what I held dear inside.  Why is it that it’s so hard to be in love when I know, both parties felt it so strongly?  I learned very early on that humans don’t all love the same way.  Some can love instantly and everyone they meet.  That’s not me.  I can love instantly, but the words take a while to form.  The feeling and actions begin to manifest in the attention I provide, but the words linger awhile longer in some other place.  I prefer action over words in 99% of the cases I experience in life and that 1% I figure I will just leave to chance.  Every relationship will have its problems, sometimes really bad times, and then good, really really good times.  I’m just not used to people loving me and it was difficult opening up to people.  With over a year of therapy, I have realized a lot of things in my life had been locked away; too afraid to face and thus have led to many predicaments and actions, I wish there was a God to take back.  For only this entity would be powerful enough to create the type of time travel I need to fix a past scattered with disappointment.  However, none greater than that of losing a family I didn’t realize I had until it was too late.  A family I dreamed of since I was 13 years old.

I remember our problems–me being angry all the time for reasons I couldn’t discuss because I just didn’t know.  I needed help, but just didn’t know to ask.  This led to drinking everyday just for me to find a sense of calmness; sometimes it worked and sometimes it didn’t.  She was on the end of that rage when I couldn’t find peace within myself.  Words can’t express how sorry I am for that.  It wasn’t physical abuse, but I would deem it mental destruction now that I know better.  Also, one of my best friends is my high school sweetheart-known her for over 13 years and my nerd wanted me to end it.  That was harder than it may seem.  Yes, at a time, we were intimate and yes, I love her, but not in the way that one loves their soulmate (my friends, so few in nature, are like my girl without the sex so if I needed, no matter the time of day, I feel compelled to move into action–this I could have revised).

See, with my nerd, I smiled at her in the darkness when she slept.  Moved her hair out of her face so I could get a closer look.  Wiped her nose when she was sick and made sure, physically, that she never wanted for anything.  I would get up in the middle of the night just to make sure doors were locked and the stove was off.  I rubbed her feet after work and wiped away her tears as best I could.  The smallest things I just did without thinking.  However,  I forgot about emotion–because I lacked it.  Somewhere my early years, I forgot how to care about feelings on the deepest of levels; knowing that sometimes reassurance is the only medicine.  I’m learning, with help, I’m learning.

My problems with her–my tears were scarce–foreign even so when she saw them she didn’t know what to do.  Sometimes, I just needed her to say I’m here, not try to fix what was broken for I needed that experience of fixing it for myself.  For it, I have grown.  Her parents, my biggest issue of all, as she is a big family person, hated me.  Without rhyme or reason, at first, just simply because our ethnicities didn’t match.  The pain that it caused me and still causes me is very hard to put into words.  The pain it caused her, the conflict I could see in her eyes, the pleas for me to adjust and adapt in her voice, virtually unbearable.  I succumbed to those pleas a time or two and it didn’t end well for me.  No need for me to rehash those moments, but lets just imagine some of the lowest moments one can have and go from there. Racism is real, I now know that more than ever, unfortunately.  The way I love Veronica is the way I wanted her parents to love me–she’s so close to them.  I wanted them to see how much of my world she had.  Where our hearts could take us.

Finally, she had too much and had to go.  A good decision in the moment for her, but I never imagined a day she would leave me, especially not like this.  Totally disconnected.  For a while, I got it.  I understood the need to rebuild the self.  I understood the need for me to get it under control, the anger and all the other little intricacies I’m plagued with that has nothing to do with me loving her the way I do.  My mind tells me that I will and can love that girl through anything.  My mistakes have led me to see her with other people.  The intimacy of a touch I was claimed my own, now theirs and I don’t love her any less.  The totally shut off of communication has not taken away the joy she brought me for almost 4 years even though I didn’t always show it.  So it stands 4 months after we broke up I proposed, and since I’m writing this, she obviously declined.  My love has never wavered.  Whenever she called or text, I would come assisting in any way I could even when my livelihood was on the line.  Even when I knew she was with someone else and she needed help to fix something detrimental, I was there.  As mad as I was, my love’s stronger.

I was recently asked how I know she is my soulmate.  My simply reply: even now, she is the first thing I think about when I wake up in the morning and she is the last thing I think about when I go to bed.  I worry if she is warm enough in our snow storms as I am not there to blow and kiss her hands as she murmurs tengo frio.  I worry about her safety out in the world before my own and if there was a such thing as a genie, my sole wish would be that s/he place a permanent smile on her face and joy in her heart every single second of the day.

For this reason, it has been hard to hold a relationship with someone else.  I have met some great women and I have tried to make it work, but none greater than a soulmate whose essence will not allow me to move forward in peace.

Quantifying Love

When I love, I take it to the extreme, going above and beyond, no matter the cost to me physically and mentally.  The problem has always been that I can’t my love for one, for another.  When I love a person, I love them without restriction, whether it’s a family member, friend or significant other.  In the past 2-3 years, I have questioned how significant a woman has to be for me to love her above everyone/everything else in my life and it is one of the very few times my mind runs blank.  No question, I have a problem with being open, allowing others in, therefore, my love is only given to a select few.  Once they have it, I can’t take it back; trust me, I have tried.  It has single-handedly ruined my best connections, leaving my life out of order. I can’t help what I feel or what I think, which, at this point, is doing more harm than creating any positivity in my life.  Everyone wants the top of the pedestal; to feel more special than the next. I just can’t quantify like that nor can I let go and my heart cracks everyday because of it. I’m just at a loss on how to change or if I even should or could. How can it be a mistake to love without limits no matter the individual?

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays

Although, I’m filled with some anxiety as this is the first Christmas spent without my nerd, Kahlo and Piper, their wellness and health is something to celebrate.

For all of the people (and cats lol) that I love that I can’t physically touch today, know that you are loved, honored, and respected.  As the new me continues to emerge going into 2014, I understand each of your value and I cherish every bit of it as only I can.

My Love is Killing Me

I keep going up and down; a walking contradiction of what I tell myself every morning–let her go!  However, I keep proving that my love is too strong.  Everything that I couldn’t do with her, I can do now and I would give anything for her to see me now. How calm I can be and rageless. The more I date, the more miserable I become. I have tried the whole fake it to make it routine and it is destroying me. Without my rage, I have so much anxiety and she is the core of it.  I just know it would work now, but her hatred for me doesn’t allow her to speak to me anymore. I can’t even remember the last time she took the time to send me a picture of my cats; see I am fucking crazy for thinking they are still my cats and I haven’t seen them in months.  I just can’t break this connection. I’ve been saying she is my soulmate for so long, my soul is broken without her. I don’t even care how I sound or how pathetic I seem. I ruined the best thing I could have hoped for and I’m paying for it ten-fold while she has moved on with her life.  Somebody shoot me now so I can feel something other than sadness PLEASE!