Pushed Back to the Starting Line

So it didn’t work the way I planned it. Officially, in and out of a relationship (so to speak) just like that. In part, it is due to my impatient nature. I do not have patience for games and DEFINITELY lack of compassion. I can chalk this up to a few good days/nights, but she would have gotten tired of me and I know that. Truth be told, the mind games that were played early on should have been a warning sign and a very good friend of mine told me to run and not look back. My instincts were heightened and I knew why, I just couldn’t admit it. This is the first woman who I was able to look at in varying capacities and put her in a space with previous girlfriends. That was very difficult for me, but now that I know I can do it again and that my life isn’t over after Veronica, I should be able to find a happy medium. Of course, my ex will never an afterthought, but at least I can breathe again.

While I understand that things take time to grow, I don’t understand the concept of not working on it and being together. It’s just how I’m wired and I’m pretty objective (the new girl told me this as well) in that I can accept most things others would be inclined to say no way to very quickly. I think it was just bad timing for her and our chemistry was insane–she was weird(ed) out by it quite a few times and I talked her down off the ledge. That should have been another sign. The good thing about me is although I can open myself up easily, my instincts always tell me not to cross that love line; feel something else that could possibly be altered to love, but do not think in that sense for months. I think it’s a fail-safe I have in place since my late teen days, but it works for me. At any rate, I am back to the drawing board–looking for some smart, witty, quirky individual to take my life by storm. I just hope that I don’t get too lonely and start being a whore; always nice in the moment, but borderline regrettable the next day.

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Apologetic Mindset

So yesterday I got one of the calls that I have been anticipating for a very long time now–the one where my ex would tell me that I have officially been replaced.  It was actually very timely, since I hung out with friends this weekend and she and our relationship was a topic of discussion for a considerable amount of time.   So I have this saying, don’t ask questions you don’t want to know the answer to.  Of course, not following that, I probe and find out that the guy she is seeing is someone that I have some familiarity with–here we go again as the circle that her and I have built just keeps getting smaller and smaller.  She, of course, forgot that I was ever in his presence and that she talked about him enough for me to remember his name and most of his attributes.  I was with this girl, who I called the love of my life–my soul mate–for a number of years so I got really involved in her life, including the friends and such that were before me.  Once I got over this, which, in all honesty took maybe two minutes or less, I told her that it wasn’t necessary for her to call and tell me such things since she can’t even call me on my birthday (she had an excuse for that, albeit, not a very good one, but I told her she doesn’t owe me anything) or call to tell me how my cats are doing.  At this point, Piper and Kahlo are what I cherish most in this unforeseen downward spiral of my life in the last year and a half.  I miss them everyday and she gets to gloat and have the life that I started, with another man. Um ok.  So I guess one day, she will be having the kid that we planned to have and she will accept someone to put their ring on her finger even though she never said No to my loving and genuine gesture. I just got “oh this isn’t the ring that I really wanted, but it’s nice and oh, this isn’t a good time. Right, it wasn’t a good time–I totally take the blame for even going that route. My heart told me she would say NO even though she didn’t. Good thing for me–with therapy and a lot of time to think, I really don’t dwell too much on what was life like with her. That’s the past I can’t change, even if I wanted to.

 

Unfortunately, I did have to apologize to her a couple of times, for what I felt was stepping out of turn.  I asked if her mother and father liked him and she replied with that they haven’t met him yet, but she really didn’t care if they did or didn’t.  Of course, my reply was filled with some rage and hurt and I stated that I wished she had that mindset with me then maybe I wouldn’t have felt the way I did and wouldn’t have been the subject of so much racism.  Totally inappropriate in my book and so I apologized.  She then asked me if I was dating and I told her that I have been out with a few women here and there, even close to really dating outside of my race again, but I got scared when I thought of how much her family hated me because I was black; this new girl’s family could just like that or worse so I bolted before it started. She proceeded to tell me that I shouldn’t have that fear, but that fell on deaf ears.  I’m pretty sure I’m ruined on that front.  That will always be in my mind.  I can’t be in a relationship with a person whose family doesn’t accept simply because I’m black.  That is the most ridiculous thing EVER!

 

I then told her that there is someone that could be very special and she treats me really nice, but that’s as much as I stated.  I have realized that my connection to Veronica is one of a substance that I cherish, but don’t necessarily need in my visibility range.  We have hurt each other so much and I just don’t know how to get pass the hate/pain that’s in her eyes when I see her and what she has done to me since breaking up with me.  She says it’s not intentional.  I say the way things play out tell another story. 

 

At the end of the day, she is with someone so I don’t have to worry about her safety anymore, and what has been 90% of my focus over the last 8-12 months can turn to 100% and that is all centered around the cats that were taken away from me.  I love my babies, Piper and Kahlo, and no amount of distraction from anyone, will change that fact—whether I ever see them again or not.

Dating Game

I call it a game because it literally is a game. Depending on how you initially start and move your pieces in play, will ultimately determine whether or not you will succeed in winning the game.  My biggest problem is I don’t like playing games. I don’t like the fronts and the show. I want to be me at all times, but in order to make the best first impression one has to play it really cool.  I’ve met quite a few people in the last couple of months and needless to say, I keep hitting a dead end. I’m getting women that tell me that they enjoy me and want to see me again, but never call or text.  I’m getting nice women that have kids.  What can I do with someone with that type of baggage?  It’s hard enough trying to get to know one person, now I have to get to know a little person too.  Talk about explanations.  Dating is way overrated and complicated, but unfortunately I must proceed if I want my wife and kid one day.  Without hope of ever falling love with Veronica again, I must keep trying my hand at bat; hopefully, soon I can knock one out of the park.

When Will You Love Me Again?

When Will You Love Me Again?
 
emailed a time or two
I miss you
I love you
intoxicated trances
induced
by Klonopin chased
with vodka
thinking
when will you love me again?
 
stuck in a daze
planning and dreaming
up babies and kittens
diamonds and hugs
thinking 
when will you love me again?
 
I’d ride pass your building
catching a glimpse of safety
hoping your smile’s bright
as the day I left 
missing your arms
holding my soul
close to your heart
kissing my pain away
with lips forgiving
thinking one day
you’ll be with in my arms again

On My Mind

Over the past year I have found it very difficult navigating the dos and don’ts of a break up. It’s primarily because I am not the one that wanted it to end, but also because I find it very hard to love someone and not see them, be able to touch them and not hear their voice. No matter what I tell myself, though, It’s in spare moments when she is most relevant. She may never understand the love I feel for her and that is something I want to accept. I see now, that her actions, in no way, shape or form, changes I how I perceive her. Now that has to be reallove.

My Thoughts of the Ex Today

On Monday, I talked a lot about Veronica; various points in our relationship came up depending on who I talked to.  I haven’t thought about her in full view in a very long time.  I realized, yet again, how much I wished things were different between us.  How much I wish her love for me included respect and concern for my well being.  The last few months just put things in a very different perspective for me.  I do understand the need for a human being to do their own thing at some point in their life, however, when love is involved, I would assume that would include compassion and a sort of finesse that I feel I was robbed of.  I know she loves me.  I just things were handled better on both our parts.  I mean my love for her could at least allow me to be cordial to her if I thought she could be honest with me and not just through me to the wolves whenever she sees fit.  Well, here’s to hopeful wishing.  As always, when I think about her, I think about my babies. Piper and Kahlo–I love and miss them so much.  At least the thought of them can still make me smile.

Baby Steps

The hardest part of breaking up, for me, is giving up.  I’m finally starting to put one foot in front of the other without factoring in a timeline.  This time I have been trying to stay away from my ex and focusing my time and mental capacities on not freaking out over the small details of what’s wrong with my life.  Technically, since it is near the end of spring break, I decided to clean up the back of my closet.  Digging through old bags and boxes, of course I would come across old clothes belonging to my nerd.  For the last few days, I have been doing pretty good controlling the urge to hear her voice, see her smile and feel her touch.  To my surprise, I was able to wrap her clothes up quickly enough to not feel anything.  Don’t get me wrong, I miss her everyday, but I think I am finally able to make baby steps forward in my life.  I am trying to not be vengeful, smile and tell myself that if no one loves me in this life, that’s fine because I love me.  Now all I need to do is find something inside of me big enough to love.