Fuck Cancer (for mom)

Fuck Cancer (for mom)

I stand against adversity
remaining strong
though these knees are weak
and this spine  feeble
you come lean
on this pillar
of my spirit when needed
and I will carry you
in this darkness

I will not settle
for less than your best
I will not pass
on you to be meek
because I’ve seen your strength
laid at my feet

I have courage
I am brave
because you exist
in me

I may shed a tear
relax a smile
but I will not bend or break
I will act as your guard
in the face of your discomfort
my heart will not beat less
in the face of fear
I will not falter
and give in
for your illness
has already seen
its end

it can’t have you
you’re already mine



the tingle
of sweat downpouring
pass eyebrows slanted
wiped with hands rough
callous from a labored load
I stand alone
waiting for the caress
that I could only dream
about since I was 13 years old
firm with the smell of Old Spice
I’m open to anything now

I Only See You

I Only See You

straddle me
with your confession
as I feel flimsy
make me sturdy
with your drill gun

shove me
into your gratitude
undress my layers
kiss me
all over my acceptance
and make me cum
with your emotion

out in the open breathing
for the first time
budding heart resting
on your chin
as Luther serenades
society’s noise
I. only. see. you

Journal Entry #4

I do not write for recognition.  I honestly never have.  It is just always been my way to get my feelings out, especially since, as a child, I struggled to find my voice in conversation and felt as though no one ever listened to me.  In times where I’m feeling really down, confused, etc., writing has always been my safe haven.  It helps me control my anger, aligns me with the perspective I need to continue living and provides me with hope that one day, I will be comfortable in this skin I’m in; able to enjoy what this world has to offer on some degree.  It’s the reason I read over all of my posts continuously–sort of acting as a time line to see my progress or lack thereof and try to figure out how I can continue to grow within myself.

I have never written for others, but if I see that my life and/or words can inspire someone else in a similar situation, I’m honored by it.  To those that follow me and read my blog, know that it isn’t for entertainment, just my way of releasing whatever I have in me that’s toxic, so I can be a better person tomorrow.  I’m grateful to have found the convenience of WordPress and to all of you for taking it all in.

Emotional Takedown

The start of my week has been very emotional on a mental level.  There hasn’t been physical tears, well, until a few moments ago in this hospital room, but it’s just mostly been a mental strain.  I saw my ex yesterday and that’s always an interesting thing because I never know how I’m going to feel.  Well, once again, I realized how much she means to me no matter what or where are lives are taking us.  She is, at this time, not the issue–which in a larger sense, is very good. It’s my cats.  I still want to call them my cats.  Is it like giving your kids up for adoption and not really seeing them, but maybe getting a picture or two every now and again?  The emotional high I got immediately walking through her apartment and seeing Piper and Kahlo is a feeling that I have never experienced.  The smile that formed ear to ear and how they ran up to me and sniffed; Kahlo climbing to highest point of the cat tree to get a better look.  At the end of the night, I wondered whether that was just their new routine of meeting anyone that walks into my ex’s apartment–that maybe I wasn’t special at all and as a cat, maybe they really didn’t remember me the way I remember them.    Kahlo didn’t respond to my normal “daddy kisses” routine and Piper was just blah after awhile. Then again, I have not had my pills for most of the day so I have a very overactive thought process and I’m sure I’m over-thinking everything right now, but it is what is currently rushing through my brain waves.  Which brings me to my next point:

My mom had knee surgery today.  As much as I keep thinking about my interaction with my ex and more importantly, “my” cats, looking at her in this state of vulnerability has really knocked me off kilter.  My mom, with all of her flaws, is one of the strongest women I have ever encountered.  She deals with emotional instability with few tears, however, chin held high with a quick solution around the corner.  As I look at her, in various stages of sedation, being uncomfortable, pain and all those other things in between, I see her in a natural human element that has allowed me no choice to appreciate her even more.  My mom, although, a minor surgery on her knee, could have died today.  How would my life have been affected.  Surgery is surgery no matter what and I have known people to pass away from simple routine surgeries done millions of times that shouldn’t of had any serious effects.  I’ve known people to go into comas from simple surgeries as well.  So as I continuously checked the screen detailing every patient’s surgical status, I immediately ran to the front desk after two hours, when the screen showed she was in recovery.  My family and I beat her up to her room and waited, very impatiently for the nurse to bring her off the elevator, doped up from anesthesia, the smile that formed on my face was one of admiration and relaxation.  My mom had again survived and persevered.  As an individual who has spent my share of time in the hospital, it is not an easy thing to come from fully independent to totally dependent in a matter of hours.  Her grace, her beauty, humility and strength has garnered a new respect out of me today and has taken my already heightened emotional state to another level.  I love my mom and I don’t know what I would do without her, no matter how insanely weird our relationship can get.