The Additions: Mongo and Kleo

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April and May are usually bad months for me from an emotional standpoint; a lot of past issues and things I’ve lost tie into these months. With that said, I would like to discuss happiness in my life.  Those that have followed me from the start of my blogging journey, understand my love of cats.  For those of you that are new, cats are the ultimate thing.  A cat can bring a smile to my face. Now, honestly, some days I think I may have over did it with having three cats in the house, but Mongo (front, tan) and Kleo (back, grey/black) are the best things for me. Sebastian gets along with them just fine, each with their own unique personalities.  Just adding love to my growing family.  Here’s getting through the hurt of the past and trying to smile for the future. 

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For Kahlo and Piper

For Kahlo and Piper

strangers label me crazy 
eccentric in thinking  
that your furry exoskeletons 
have any notion of my existence 

bend the will of human parents 
chasing every avenue for a gesture 
lovingly 

hoping your brains can comprehend 
my lack of kisses on your noses 
and the thought worsens 
with every birthday and Christmas
un-celebrated 

what happens to our connection? 

I wish a passionate beating  
heart was enough
to join us 
reunite the familiarity 
of being my alarm clock  
kneading chest when it’s feeding time 
 
a last hope 
far fetched as an outcry 
I place belief 
in reincarnated spirits  
so what started will always remain 
a necessity for life 
love at it’s greatest

I Miss This Pair

I Miss This Pair

I miss this pair
opposite in their care
equal in love shared

broken at the hem
angered depression caused
the lost of what I hold most dear
never contemplated the fear
my ears could no longer hear
their purrs as I stroked gently

I miss this pair
opposite in their care
equal in their love shared

as one licked my face
good morning
paws pat face gaining
attentive smiles

the other, rest
comfortably on laps
up in arms ready
for cuddles

I miss this pair
for they showed
me a heart was always there

in darkness
when tears streamed random
I found comfort
in their presence
right there lying
next to my spirit
as though they knew
it was broken

without them I found
the formula for lonely
can’t replace
what time won’t forget

opposite in care
but always equal
in love shared

The First Visit

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Sebastian’s first visit to the vet.  I’m happy to report that he is as healthy as he looks and has no worries in the near future. At 12 pounds, the vet said I need to be mindful of his diet (admittedly, I feed him a lot so i don’t get his Puss in Boots face). He likes his bowl filled all the time so I have to feed him in increments now. This way he can have what he wants but he doesn’t get too much bigger. Unfortunately, it has been a while since I have had a cat lingering around me so I tend to give him his way a lot to make up for time I have lost with my other babies. I was a lot stricter with Kahlo and Piper, but it was a smoother transition when I got them.  I knew their history with them coming from a shelter; their documentation was there.  With Sebastian, we are piecing together his past. 

From this vet visit, I have learned that he is more than likely closer to 3 years old based on his teeth.  I was told he was 8 months to a year when I got him, but that I knew that wasn’t true based on my experience with cats in general. The vet told me that he is a Domestic Medium Hair even though I was thinking Long Hair and he could have some Maine Coon in him. I love that breed of cat so I thought  that was pretty cool because of their fur.  His coloring isn’t native to Maine Coons, according to vet, but the resemblance is there.  It really doesn’t matter one way or the other as I love him as any of my furry children, near or far.  Sebastian has given me perspective and a new sense of adventure that we are expanding on everyday.

Since I don’t have records on him, he got a Rabies shot and I was given a list of vaccinations that I should consider getting for him.  These decisions will be made in the next 2 weeks when I take him back to the vet for a follow up. For now, we will lay back and chill or as he likes to do–chase me around the house. Gotta love that!

Introducing Sebastian!

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Piper and Kahlo happen to be the best birthday present I’ve ever gotten and even though I haven’t seen my babies in a very long time, that still reigns true.  However, in the picture above, I’ve landed an amazingly, calm cat right in my lap, I affectionately named Sebastian. He is the best Christmas gift I’ve ever gotten, thanks to some amazing co-workers.  He is, besides my babies, of course, the most beautiful cat I’ve ever seen (helps that every time I look at him, I’m reminded of the lion cub I’ve always wanted lol).

Sebastian came to me as a Secret Santa gift–something we do every year in the office and I happened to get a co-worker that knows me well enough to know that if I was to get another cat, Sebastian is what he would look like.  I still can’t wrap my mind around how she planned it and included other people I work with in on the surprise.  Hell, they even snuck him in the office.  When I first saw him, the wave of emotions that went through me were very intense.  I couldn’t stop smiling.  I wanted to cry.  I didn’t really know what I was going to do with him due to my current living situation.  I always thought about getting another cat, one that no one could take from me should we have a falling out, but Kahlo and Piper take up so much of my mental space daily, it was, until now, hard to focus on getting another cat.  Now that I have him though, I can’t see it any other way.  My family has been so supportive and it’s only been three days since I’ve had him and he’s already taking to me well.  We roll around on the floor together, I fall asleep and he is right there on my lap and he runs up to me when I come into the room.  That’s more than enough to smile about for a while.

He’s my new little dude and while my girls, Kahlo and Piper, rest comfortably (I hope) away from me, I have to open myself to love Sebastian even harder knowing that he’s probably the solution I’ve needed to fix this problem that I’ve been plagued with some time now; my co-workers say that they want me happy–this little guy just may do that for me.

 

Protect My Heart?

When I got up this morning, I could literally feel the anxiety in my chest and going down my back. Today will be hard. Today will be difficult, but I will make it through just as I have my entire life. A friend of mine told me to protect my heart and my response: There’s “nothing to protect when no one wants it”. It is how I really feel, but it’s honest in only that I don’t want anyone to want it. The only person I want and need is Veronica. It doesn’t really matter how she feels about it because it is beyond her. I can’t protect my heart against something I can’t fight–the essence of her just brings me to my knees and cowardly bow to her will. This post really isn’t about her though, but about my cats. Since it is Piper and Kahlo’s birthday today, that is the main focal point of sadness. As if they were human, I would enjoy getting up and getting their food together and on a day like today, with enthusiasm, I would wish them both a Happy Birthday, complete with picking them up and kissing them on their noses. As much as they depended on my care of them, I depended on them to return it in their own cat-like way and they always found a way. They understood. I would lay down and tell Kahlo to give daddy kisses and she would come, of course in her own pace, to lick my face and provide her version of a purr. It was pure and relaxed me–my anxiety and that is something I don’t think I have ever really thought about until just now. I have always had a fascination for wild cats, especially lions, but my babies provided me with 1) the best birthday present ever–THEMSELVES and 2) reciprocated love and there is no greater feeling to me than receiving love. I am happy that the money I sent to my nerd will be put to good use. She was excited and told me via text that she would use the money to buy them a laser light stand. They are going to definitely love it and even though I won’t be around to see their joy in it, I did what I could in the moment for them. Having hope for something is a struggle within itself because even when you tell herself not to, the mere mention of the word brings it to the forefront of your brain and it lingers. With that said, I can honestly say I had some hope that Veronica was going to invite me over to celebrate the day, but I have so much fear there. There is so much anxiety when I think of what is and what isn’t and it is a pattern that I am finding it very difficult to break. See, I can’t even protect my heart from myself.

My Babies Birthdays are Tomorrow

On days like today–a day away from a special day, I miss my old life even more.  Well, some of the great things about my old life–cuddling up next to my nerd while Piper struggles to find a space between us to lay and Kahlo down below, on the floor, looking up at me with uncertainty, what about me? Of course, at this point, I would attempt to pick her up.  She would either run off to do her own thing or allow me the opportunity to rub her gently then jump down off of me the next second.  For some reason, there weren’t many times when Piper and Kahlo liked to share us.  It was either one or the other, fighting for supremacy to gain entry into our circle.  Being the bigger of the two, Piper usually won by default, but I would always attempt to give my baby Kahlo some extra love and care.  I felt like she understood me.  We were one in the same.  She liked to be touched when she felt like it.  She liked to be held when she felt like it and wanted love and attention when she felt like it–just like me.  On this day, the day before their birthday (and yes, my nerd and I celebrated her cats birthdays) I’m sad and lonely.  The memories of what life was like in those happy moments always come in a flood, overwhelming my senses.  So much so I can feel their fur against my skin and smell them as if they were in front of me.  As I know, yet again, that my ex has been a doing an excellent job caring for them, loving them and giving them the attention as best she can, I still miss them.  I want them and I want her and I want us. . .again.