Journal Entry #21

I get a lot of people telling me I ask very good questions, all without the simple answers to relieve me of the intense pressure I feel building inside me. The weight of my own mistakes and good deeds gone unnoticed. She doesn’t know how much I love; enough to cater to her physically, sometimes pushed to the brink and beyond my capacity because mentally I was broken and couldn’t be strong; possessing the inability to make the decisions that needed to be made. I am broken–on the mend to be fixed, but it’s taking some time. How can she not care when I’ve cried to her; for her heart to heal what I have destroyed?  How can love feel so good, yet hurt so badly? Kill my joy when it’s just lingering in the thinnest air possible? Seemingly, the best revenge is not seeking revenge at all. Simply ignoring an idiot completely when he hurt you–that’s you moving on with your life, but you will never know the pain I feel for your pain, for your love that’s no longer mine, the time I’ve missed hiding in your smile and how my heart jumped with every kiss you know in your heart I loved and sincerely miss. I’ve proven to myself that I can move forward–create a new life with someone else, but what happens to a soul longing for its mate that wants no part of his reach?  What fills a void that continues to expand with every happy memory of her I can’t relinquish? Meeting someone else amazing doesn’t shadow the deepest of love made only for one.  Time may heal me, but nothing can change what my soul feels for my sexy nerd–it’s just packing everything in and making room.

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Can’t Teach An Old Dog New Tricks

I’ve heard my entire life that you can’t teach an old dog new tricks.  The older a person gets, the harder it is to convince them of anything other than their normalcy.  While, in a lot of cases, I have found this to be true, I would have to disagree.  I have been screwing up, alienating myself and just being a total dick to just about everyone for the last 15 years or so.  I’ve come to see the error of my ways and while I’m a hard work in progress, change is possible.  I have to remember my overall objective and tell myself that it isn’t worth hurting others and I will not get satisfaction out of it long term, but it has been working for me for the last 8 months or so.  Do I have set backs?  Sure.  However, I’ve come to learn that falling down in life is, in fact, a part of life.  I’ve been so comfortable on the floor and pulling others down to my level, that I forgot what it felt like to stand up and stretch.  Now that I’m broadening my horizons, putting myself on the line completely and opening up (as scary as all of this is for me), I have come to appreciate a different side to life.  I know the my heart is good.  I just have to man the reigns and hold on this mindset that likes to run away from me at times.  It is so easy for me to be angry and take it out on others because that is what I have been doing virtually my entire life.  There’s no challenge in it.  The feat I’m trying to accomplish gives me so much more of a high because it IS difficult for me.  Being nice is hard for me, but I have been realizing that maybe there is a different approach I can take.  People don’t have to fear me for me to be tolerated.  People don’t have to secretly judge me and then smile in my face to tolerate me. I can genuine allow people to get to know me and hope for the best.  So far, I’ve had mixed results and my anger likes to take over at times, as a protection mechanism, but for once, I’m going to try keep my guard down; for now.