Got Me Thinking

Pain-wise, this has been one of the worst weeks in my 28 years of life. Monday night, my upper body, particularly, the center of my neck down through my shoulder blades, became paralyzed.  The worst feeling for me, is not having control over my body.  Being a person with a disability, I often worry about the day I won’t be able to do anything for myself.  My mobility is okay, but on days like Monday night, I worry about being alone. Having someone to love me enough to care for me no matter what. In that moment, not being able to move, I wondered who would be there when I really needed them?

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Cane Top

Cane Top

twist and twirl
stumble but don’t break
bones scream
back at winter’s insensitive touch
mesmerized by resilience

with creaks and groans
smiles and stomps
in search of daily triumph
a walk unnerved
I stand erect in the face
of me, my toughest adversary

Ideal Match I Am Not

Ideal Match I Am Not

ideal match I am not
trapped inside
faulty equipment resting
at the intersection
of pathetic and improbable

my creativity isn’t crafty transforming
lemons into lemonade
without a spill or two or three

so I sit quietly
in any corner I can find
shameful of things
I can’t change
often wondering
what’s makes a societal man
into me?

my insides set ablaze
every time I visualize
my walking strategy

tears no longer flow
when bloodshed
is a language
I’ve learnt

bartering knives
used to fillet
this distinction out
of me without success
left to succumb
to the  Monster inside laughing
at my frivolous attempts
to change his Mother’s glory

so where’s my Entity?
my God when I need
some wielding power
with a force creating
canyons deep enough
to make me disappear?

ideal match I am not
left to navigate
a foreign land
where my heels don’t touch
the concrete floor 
where my knees bend
to McDonald’s arches 
even when I’m not hungry
laugh cause you think it’s funny
cry cause it’s my nightmare

and this curved spine
is my personal flash warning
predicting rain and snow
slow motion movement
why is everyone in a hurry?
it’s lonely out here 

but an ideal match I am not
so I settle 
in the crevice of my own solace
watching life slowly
murder me 
as I fade into extinction

Trapped

Trapped

I’ve been quarantined
in this 5 foot 3 inch chamber
sweating out years
banking on borrowed
time from divinity
but prophets speak in tongues
these riddles no one understands

having promises ricochet
off memories so old
they should be dead

I live in a time warp
cursed with the ability
To wander, yet run in place

so I claw
at the flesh
surrounding this soul
too perfect for its wrapping

just to get free

bleeding out
particles I don’t want or need
keeping this hate tucked
inside the cracks
of my stomach

waiting patiently
broken
knees cupped to chin
for the body that never comes

Journal Entry #7

I’ve never known a love that I couldn’t have. How painful it is.  I’ve met a lot of fascinating people that for the most part, have filled a lot void in my life, but it is missing. As I run the gauntlet of women, my fears start emerging. My ex and I on really bad terms due to her treatment or lack thereof with family (thought I got over those racists bastards, I guess not). It has really hindered my ability to look outside of my race again for love. I don’t think I have enough me to endure that kind of negativity.  I just feel less of a person right now; so much judgment on things I can’t control.  I mean would I not be black if I could?  That’s a loaded question–and I never felt like that until Veronica’s family entered my life and what’s worse is a big part of me cares about their well being.  I definitely don’t want them to die, just understand their contribution to ruining my life.  On a side note, if I could magically lose my disability, that would be a no brainer–relieve me of these curses so I wouldn’t have to work so hard to show people who I really am.  I can be awesome and loving. All you have to do is pull my string and try me!

Journal Entry #6

I expected to be over this, but apparently, I’m not.  A couple of days ago, I got into a cab, cane in hand and positioned myself in the seat accordingly. The cabbie proceeds to make small talk, however, in the most inappropriate way. He asks me if I was veteran from the war (due to the I guess). I told him that a strained a muscle in hopes that the Conversation would ne over, but considering the way my life has been this year, I should have known better.

The cab driver begins to emphasize my can informed me that I should be glad that its temporary and not a permanent disability.  I’m floored at this point and I hear my therapist’s voice telling me to breathe.  I was there seconds from busting this man’s head with cane.

I know he didn’t mean any harm, but how offensive can one person be; how ignorant do you have to be to say something like that.  My blood was boiling then and it is boiling now.

Journal Entry #5

A lot has been happening to and around me that has allowed me to keep getting/receiving different perspectives on how my life should. I’m human so I won’t deny that I make mistakes, but without sounding like an arrogant prick, I seem to better than most. I mean I walk different than the general population, but as a positive, that has allowed me gain empathy, compassion and a cache of other qualities others seem to lack. Just last week, a lower level employee (by no means would it be appropriate for someone in a senior position to approach me in this manner as well) asked me why I walk the way I do.  It took most of had in me to not tell how she disgusted me based on her overall rudeness, let alone in an office setting.  On a personal level, I was blown away that someone would have the audacity to ask that at all, but especially in a work setting–just a huge Human Resources issue.

I think, because of my impairment, I have a value of life more, in that I appreciate the smallest things. Someone else’s ability to smile genuinely makes me happy. A moment or two without pain is worth a toast.  Such things as getting out of bed without a muscle spasm, but I see folks running, skipping and jumping, yet they want to take up the use of an elevator or seat on a bus.  Even in my state, I typically offer my seat to someone I feel will have a harder time standing than myself.  Yesterday, with my cane in hand, this guy just sat there looking at me.  Due to the fact that my being in therapy for close to a year has made me a docile puppy dog, I tend to avoid conflict now. Otherwise, I would have told him to get the fuck out of the way. A lady offered me her seat, but I politely refused since I wasn’t in agony.  Besides I’m still a man and I kind of have that women and children first thing embedded in me–unless they’re a bitch to me then that goes out the window.

Ok, have to get off this train.  I will finish getting this all out later.