Please Remember Me

Please Remember Me

please remember
as I keep time counting
teardrops as months go by
wishing you smiles genuine
with every hug and kiss
he gives that I couldn’t

please remember as I pour
blood out my wounds filling
them with salt embracing
its stinging sensations just to feel something

my confession is a simple lesson learning
who I am, who I’m not, no longer guessing
this mating dance I can’t step to

my angers a mine field
not to be explored
though your love carried me
I’m far from shore

without the life jacket of your smiling face
my only destiny
wasting away in this disguise
I bore
anger exposed
I can’t find your tears anymore

so please remember the feels
we shared kissing
tremors down your spine
creating smiles in moonlight

for I’m more of a man
than a broken heart can fear
worthy of a soulmate’s love
some way, some day

with any ounce of you
please remember me

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Nightmare Scene

Nightmare Scene

headless ghosts captivated
by the compelled torture
I enter in nightly
marvel at the blood-stained
sleeves I’ve created
and wear proud

tell their stories
of mutated
souls
pierced by gunfire
punctured by half-dull knives
jumping off buildings
with limps snapping in disarray

I simply smile
with obscured pleasure

one day, I too, will emulate

Journal Entry #16

Sleep has come easier with the meds I’m on, but my mind is still running in its own way vía dreams and nightmares.  So I still feel tired all the time; I apparently look like it too as I’m consistently told I need to get rest by co-workers.

The dreams and nightmares are usually faceless–ranging from murder to fucking up, yet another relationship.  However, in all honesty, my mind is my best friend. Allowing myself to be totally objective, my dreams/nightmares show me glimpes of the future. They always have, even when I was kid. They also show me what kind of torment lay behind the walls I’ve built so I don’t have to deal with the anomaly that is my existence.  I could never hide from myself, just lie and pretend.

At any rate, I feel things or thoughts are becoming more intense even though I release everything in my therapy sessions or maybe that’s what I want to convince myself is the truth.

The Mixture of Dreams

I had a crazy night of dreams that I think really portrayed my emotional pattern and where I am in my life currently. I went from assisting someone to getting locked up to murder to sleeping with my ex.  This is one big dream without cut scenes, flashbacks, etc. and nothing makes real sense of course, but that has been the nature of my mental instability as of late.  I losing time in conversations more often–texting and calling people and not remembering and just have a lot more of those blank stare moments that last 30 seconds to a minute then I’m back again.  The good thing is I’m no longer hiding it.  I’m telling people what’s going on with me in hopes that they will understand better and not think I’m a freak of nature.  Now back to the dream:  I was helping a friend without a face initially, then got handcuffs placed on my wrists due to mistaken identity.  However, once I get into the police station, through searches, somehow it switched and I was standing in this room with all these guns, several officers and they uncuffed me.  I believe I ran into another criminal and absorb his mindset, and begin grabbing guns and shooting all the officers there.  Totally impossible except for in my dream and there wasn’t a reason for it, it just happened.  I managed to get out of the building unharmed and ended up at Veronica’s apartment.  She was there with this guy, Latino, built, cut somewhat, but not too muscular.  His complexion was flawless and I approximate about 2 years younger than me.  Strangely, I didn’t feel jealousy or rage or anything of that sort.  He just walked out of the apartment when he saw me and Veronica and I started talking.  She told me that she missed me, like she has done in the past (real life) and I smiled.  We were then in her bedroom and she told me she wanted to sleep with me. I forgot to mention that on the way out, the Latin guy handed me a condom.  So I ask her if she slept with him and usually things get weird between us when we have these types of conversations, but it didn’t.  It was a casual yes, without meaning behind it.  She then smiled again and told me that she wanted me.  We begin being intimate.

I have a lot of details in my head, but I will stop there, because this post isn’t about me sleeping with her, or shooting people or being a friend.  It’s about what SHE represents in my dream.  She is my safe haven.  She is my sanctuary at the end of an impossible crazy day that doesn’t make sense.  My mind seems to create the most outlandish of possibilities to get me to see how much I not only love her, but also how I have really forgiven her for everything.  Sure seeing her with the Latin guy, obviously the type of guy I have in my head for her, and then being with her once he left,  proves that.  Even more so, it focuses a lot on my connection with her.  How nothing in this world matters when it comes to everyone else.  It’s just us.

I felt drained when woke up this morning.  Having all of those images swirling around my head, one after the other, then all at once, proved to become increasingly difficult to focus on and that’s when everything went dark and I opened my eyes.  I want to believe that whatever is going on inside me and in my head, is trying to combat itself. Trying to fight without knowing what it is fighting.  I’m sure there will be more to come and, I think, the best way for me to understand it fully, is to keep writing about it.  Here’s to understanding me.

Dreams

I have always believed dreams meant something, even to go as far as to say they are little tell-tell signs of whats to come. Monday night I struggled to fall asleep, even with sleeping pills in my system; my mind juzt didn’t want to cooperate and shut down enough so I could rest.  I had dreams about my job and past accounts that I’ve worked on.  A friend of mine attributed that to stress and the need for me to take a REAL vacation–my simple reply was “with what money”.  I wish it was that easy for me to pick up and just go, but it’s not.  Even if I had the money, I still don’t have anyone to go with.  Just depressing that as much as I shy away from people, I need them so badly to function daily.

Last night, I had a dream that my ex is sleeping with one of my brothers. It was really vivid–very detailed. After a little analyzing, I realize that due to my little faith in love now and my overall level of distrust in her, my is going to very deepest and darkness places in my mind to show me how much disdain I really have inside of me at this point. With that being said, the task in front of me is now to figure out what I really want in a love because apparently, that has changed. Just what I need, more thinking. I really need this to get easier.