I had a crazy night of dreams that I think really portrayed my emotional pattern and where I am in my life currently. I went from assisting someone to getting locked up to murder to sleeping with my ex. This is one big dream without cut scenes, flashbacks, etc. and nothing makes real sense of course, but that has been the nature of my mental instability as of late. I losing time in conversations more often–texting and calling people and not remembering and just have a lot more of those blank stare moments that last 30 seconds to a minute then I’m back again. The good thing is I’m no longer hiding it. I’m telling people what’s going on with me in hopes that they will understand better and not think I’m a freak of nature. Now back to the dream: I was helping a friend without a face initially, then got handcuffs placed on my wrists due to mistaken identity. However, once I get into the police station, through searches, somehow it switched and I was standing in this room with all these guns, several officers and they uncuffed me. I believe I ran into another criminal and absorb his mindset, and begin grabbing guns and shooting all the officers there. Totally impossible except for in my dream and there wasn’t a reason for it, it just happened. I managed to get out of the building unharmed and ended up at Veronica’s apartment. She was there with this guy, Latino, built, cut somewhat, but not too muscular. His complexion was flawless and I approximate about 2 years younger than me. Strangely, I didn’t feel jealousy or rage or anything of that sort. He just walked out of the apartment when he saw me and Veronica and I started talking. She told me that she missed me, like she has done in the past (real life) and I smiled. We were then in her bedroom and she told me she wanted to sleep with me. I forgot to mention that on the way out, the Latin guy handed me a condom. So I ask her if she slept with him and usually things get weird between us when we have these types of conversations, but it didn’t. It was a casual yes, without meaning behind it. She then smiled again and told me that she wanted me. We begin being intimate.
I have a lot of details in my head, but I will stop there, because this post isn’t about me sleeping with her, or shooting people or being a friend. It’s about what SHE represents in my dream. She is my safe haven. She is my sanctuary at the end of an impossible crazy day that doesn’t make sense. My mind seems to create the most outlandish of possibilities to get me to see how much I not only love her, but also how I have really forgiven her for everything. Sure seeing her with the Latin guy, obviously the type of guy I have in my head for her, and then being with her once he left, proves that. Even more so, it focuses a lot on my connection with her. How nothing in this world matters when it comes to everyone else. It’s just us.
I felt drained when woke up this morning. Having all of those images swirling around my head, one after the other, then all at once, proved to become increasingly difficult to focus on and that’s when everything went dark and I opened my eyes. I want to believe that whatever is going on inside me and in my head, is trying to combat itself. Trying to fight without knowing what it is fighting. I’m sure there will be more to come and, I think, the best way for me to understand it fully, is to keep writing about it. Here’s to understanding me.