The start of my week has been very emotional on a mental level. There hasn’t been physical tears, well, until a few moments ago in this hospital room, but it’s just mostly been a mental strain. I saw my ex yesterday and that’s always an interesting thing because I never know how I’m going to feel. Well, once again, I realized how much she means to me no matter what or where are lives are taking us. She is, at this time, not the issue–which in a larger sense, is very good. It’s my cats. I still want to call them my cats. Is it like giving your kids up for adoption and not really seeing them, but maybe getting a picture or two every now and again? The emotional high I got immediately walking through her apartment and seeing Piper and Kahlo is a feeling that I have never experienced. The smile that formed ear to ear and how they ran up to me and sniffed; Kahlo climbing to highest point of the cat tree to get a better look. At the end of the night, I wondered whether that was just their new routine of meeting anyone that walks into my ex’s apartment–that maybe I wasn’t special at all and as a cat, maybe they really didn’t remember me the way I remember them. Kahlo didn’t respond to my normal “daddy kisses” routine and Piper was just blah after awhile. Then again, I have not had my pills for most of the day so I have a very overactive thought process and I’m sure I’m over-thinking everything right now, but it is what is currently rushing through my brain waves. Which brings me to my next point:
My mom had knee surgery today. As much as I keep thinking about my interaction with my ex and more importantly, “my” cats, looking at her in this state of vulnerability has really knocked me off kilter. My mom, with all of her flaws, is one of the strongest women I have ever encountered. She deals with emotional instability with few tears, however, chin held high with a quick solution around the corner. As I look at her, in various stages of sedation, being uncomfortable, pain and all those other things in between, I see her in a natural human element that has allowed me no choice to appreciate her even more. My mom, although, a minor surgery on her knee, could have died today. How would my life have been affected. Surgery is surgery no matter what and I have known people to pass away from simple routine surgeries done millions of times that shouldn’t of had any serious effects. I’ve known people to go into comas from simple surgeries as well. So as I continuously checked the screen detailing every patient’s surgical status, I immediately ran to the front desk after two hours, when the screen showed she was in recovery. My family and I beat her up to her room and waited, very impatiently for the nurse to bring her off the elevator, doped up from anesthesia, the smile that formed on my face was one of admiration and relaxation. My mom had again survived and persevered. As an individual who has spent my share of time in the hospital, it is not an easy thing to come from fully independent to totally dependent in a matter of hours. Her grace, her beauty, humility and strength has garnered a new respect out of me today and has taken my already heightened emotional state to another level. I love my mom and I don’t know what I would do without her, no matter how insanely weird our relationship can get.
As a man this difficult. As a human being experiencing what we coin as emotional distress, it is even more difficult. I’m in love with someone that no longer loves me in THAT way. How does one get over that? My heart hurts, my anxiety is through the roof and I just want to sleep. Tonight, I have popped Klonopin to help me sleep. I hope it works quickly–at least before I start feeling pathetic and possibly start crying.