in spit of your passing
I feel you in my shadow
perhaps as my guardian
perhaps my lack of purge
to let you go

my heart
my soul
I cannot part
we always become one
in the dark
I see you there
I see you here
your likeness in remembrance

I feel your embrace
breathing shallow in your last day
but in my shadow you reside
as I make efforts now
to the pass time away

Journal Entry #13

As I get closer and closer to feeling like I have to move, the more anxiety I’m getting.  The more anxiety I’m getting, the more scared I’m getting.   A buddy of mine told me today that I can’t let my past dictate my future and as much as I know he is right, I still know me.  I am afraid of failure; I failed once on my own, I am not allowed to do it again. I have all these questions about can I really make it alone–beyond finances–I’m talking emotionally.  I had my mom, then my ex, then myself (i cracked and failed) then my mom again and now just me (and I’m an emotional mess).  How can I do it with just me?  I just don’t have that type of confidence in my emotional state yet, this is something I know must be done.  Questions without answers and I’m running out of time.

Just Lost Tonight

It’s been a while since I actually created a post that wasn’t a poem.  Poetry has seem to become my outlet again.  I guess that’s good.  The only thing is, is it doesn’t make me feel better about my situation(s) like before.  When I was in college and I used to write, no matter the topic or problem, putting it down on paper seemingly made everything disappear and I felt free from despair, happiness, love, life–everything.  Now it’s regurgitating feelings.  They just stay or go and reappear seconds to minutes later as if nothing has occurred.

I’ve been thinking about leaving my city, my state I’m currently living in.  Just packing up and moving, but to where I do not know.  I just feel like no one gets me here.  I have great friends for what I use them for, but I am not happy.  The truth is that I haven’t been for so long, I no longer know what it feels like to be happy. THAT just makes me sadder and more uncomfortable with life.  I just feel like I’m in this box that is closing in on me, no matter where I go or turn, I’m losing air.  The meds I’m on do help me cope, but that’s just it.  I still have this non-solace feeling of disapproval within myself.  I don’t know how to find what I’ve lost or even if I’ve lost anything at all.  I don’t know if it is all in my head or actually something tangible I need to obtain.  Tonight, I am just lost in the thought of being lost.