The Presence of Love

The  Presence of Love

spent time playing
in your shadow
creating your safe zone
protecting investments pretending
one day you’d come back
my way
kiss this face
breathe in my changes
fall back and escape
what used to be pain

just

place hands in pockets
tengo frio
bleed out apologies
losiento
now I need affection
dame un beso

for when the sun sets
I see your eyes
when the wind blows
I feel your spirit
and I fall asleep
dreaming of your voice

no need to wipe
the dust off
your ring
cuz I never put it down

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For What I Can’t Forgive

For What I Can’t Forgive

tucked behind these rusty pipes
that’s been kicked bent
and left to rot
I can no longer see

with hands cuffed
behind me
placing their purrs
just out of reach
I struggle to get free

been brewing
this concoction of heartache
turned hatred then love
for some time

chemical imbalances change
my consistency repeatedly
wired to my torture chamber
of memories

tears stream
for desperation not heard

for what I can’t forgive
I lay awake in shameful despair

Journal Entry #21

I get a lot of people telling me I ask very good questions, all without the simple answers to relieve me of the intense pressure I feel building inside me. The weight of my own mistakes and good deeds gone unnoticed. She doesn’t know how much I love; enough to cater to her physically, sometimes pushed to the brink and beyond my capacity because mentally I was broken and couldn’t be strong; possessing the inability to make the decisions that needed to be made. I am broken–on the mend to be fixed, but it’s taking some time. How can she not care when I’ve cried to her; for her heart to heal what I have destroyed?  How can love feel so good, yet hurt so badly? Kill my joy when it’s just lingering in the thinnest air possible? Seemingly, the best revenge is not seeking revenge at all. Simply ignoring an idiot completely when he hurt you–that’s you moving on with your life, but you will never know the pain I feel for your pain, for your love that’s no longer mine, the time I’ve missed hiding in your smile and how my heart jumped with every kiss you know in your heart I loved and sincerely miss. I’ve proven to myself that I can move forward–create a new life with someone else, but what happens to a soul longing for its mate that wants no part of his reach?  What fills a void that continues to expand with every happy memory of her I can’t relinquish? Meeting someone else amazing doesn’t shadow the deepest of love made only for one.  Time may heal me, but nothing can change what my soul feels for my sexy nerd–it’s just packing everything in and making room.