Searching

Searching

seeped out wells
too dry to find
tears waiting
for their place
to call home

instead I search
for a touch
long lost
in my indecisive anger

set my soul ablaze
in fear of letting go
so she just walked
away without a bread crumb
to follow
xeroxed copies
of a heart damaged
looking for its owner

in a snowstorm buried
deep is its key
the only way to release
me and my mistakes

open the safe and kiss me

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Journal Entry #15

While she is probably making memories with someone else, I’m stuck in our past. Another year, another anniversary week spent without the one I love most. 

Cheers! Sexy Nerd I wish you well.

Releasing

Releasing

please remove your junk
from inside the walls
of this harbored nest
you used to settle in

laden in the night sky
blanketed by the dusk’s air
I keep you relevant
every time fingers pound
keys in frustration

my soul hopes to drop
a piece of you
in the gutter where you’ve placed
my heart without its cover
for protection
muddied from footprints
and little girls pretending
to be women over 25
lost in the shuffle I scream
for your assistance

you have become deaf
to the electric current that used
alert you of my dying need
so I lay strapped
with a pint of gin
cigar in hand
hoping one day
to stand erect
smiling true
within a life without you

Cathartic Release

Cathartic Release

twisting this serated
edge between my thumb
and forefinger
tasting blood
as my teeth clench
my inner jaw
anticipating the cathartic release
that seeps
out as this blade glides
effortlessly across arms built
to scream
when words get cordoned
off somewhere between
brains and vocal chords

induced the slight ease
of congestion
of an overactive mind conversing
with a scorned heart so foreign
the language barrier 
can’t be broken
my blade builds
the bridge back to safety

Assurance

This morning, without a cause, I received a text from her–simply saying I love you.  As I struggle with every passing day that holding on is just a lost cause, this gives me some assurance that I am loved by one person I wanted to change my life for.  The one person that got me to propose back in the summer of 2012.  To see her text or voice I love you right when I need to, just shows me how much pain I’m willing to go through for her to be mine again-we are connected and I know she is my soulmate now and until the day I die.  However, for now, Sara Evan’s “Alone” is what I try to believe in, in order to give her the space and time to heal:

Alone  by Sara Evans

Thank you for the roses that you sent me-
They’re beautiful
And you asked me to think of you,
You know I will
Your note just said “I’m sorry, please forgive me”
I always do, but I have to let you know the way I feel:I left you this message so you’d know
Sometimes loving me just means leaving me alone

So please don’t call everytime you think of me
‘Cause I need some time alone to kill this pain
You should know that I don’t give up easily
But sometimes for things to grow, they need some rain
And sometimes loving me just means leaving me alone

I left you this message so you’d know
To not come by everytme you miss me
‘Cause I need some time alone to kill this pain
You should know that I don’t give up easily
But sometimes for things to grow, they need some rain
And sometimes loving me just means leaving me alone

Sometimes loving me just means leaving me alone

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